ADZ

Piper at the Gates of Downey (Amsterdamned)
by Austin Nash

When my birthday present from my mom didn’t show up, I knew some bastard was stealing my mail. I decided to go look for a box with my name and address on it in the dumpster just to justify my wanting to kick somebody’s ass. I poked around with a stick but couldn’t get a good look without getting in, so I got in. I didn’t find the box, it showed up in the mail a few days later (though I never did find my February issue of Playboy).

What I did find was a shamelessly discarded CD by a band called ADZ. The disk was entitled Piper At The Gates Of Downey. I scraped the guacamole off and wiped off that conglomerate juice that collects in the shallow reservoirs of dumpsters with an old bra, and went in to give it a spin. Oddly enough, there was a bio folded neatly and crammed inside the sleeve, giving insight to band members’ former collections and projects (the likes of Adolescents and 22 Jacks).

The album came right out and punched me in the face with its simple, circular driving punk riffs, and then some guy came on the mic and puked. This guy really ruined it. Three songs in I realized the songs were the same one over and over, the one that plateaus early and then fades. I suddenly felt very stupid and disinterested and glanced out the window, through the fire escape to the dumpster directly below my window. No wonder my rent was cheap. I laughed at my good fortune, tossed the disc back into the dumpster, and wondered if anybody saw me.