Videosyncrasy
101 Video Nights
by Mitchell Greentower
illustration by Jef Taylor
She said I could sleep on the couch but no sex. Only a man of taste and culture would be allowed to behave like an animal with Cindy, and that kind of reputation has to be earned over time. So I wintered hungrily that year, and chipped in a little for food and utilities when I could. Spotting a chance to shine, I braved the winter cold to rent the evening’s video, trying to do so in such a way as to somehow win her heart, which I finally did. Here’s how:
* Don’t rent any movie starring Meg Ryan unless it also has Billy Crystal.
* Don’t rent any movie starring Billy Crystal unless it also has Meg Ryan.
* Don’t rent any movie with Melanie Griffith.
* Don’t rent any movie with Robin Williams newer than The Fisher King.
* Don’t rent any movie with Steve Martin newer than All Of Me.
* Don’t rent any movie starring Richard Dreyfuss newer than American Graffiti.
* Don’t rent anything directed by Ron Howard newer than Eat My Dust.
* Rent everything from Australia and Scotland. (If it ain’t good, it doesn’t make it to our once hallowed shores.)
* Rent everything with John Candy and Dustin Hoffman except Ishtar.
* Rent anything with Paul Newman unless it has Robert Redford.
* Don’t rent anything with Nick Nolte, Jane Fonda or Michael Douglas.
* Only rent movies that are the brainchild of Albert Brooks or David Lynch in conjunction with movies by Oliver Stone or Quentin Tarantino on “dollar night.”
* Don’t rent anything with a Biblical theme except Last Temptation of Christ.
* Rent six Woody Allen movies: Take The Money And Run and Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Sex (Early Period); Annie Hall and Hannah and Her Sisters (Middle Period); and Bullets Over Broadway and Manhattan Murder Mystery (Later Period).
* Rent anything with Al Pacino or Robert DeNiro as long as it doesn’t have both Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro.
* Rent anything with Kevin Spacey twice.
* Rent anything with Joe Pesci and Harvey Keitel, when either’s a bad ass.
* Don’t rent anything with Timothy Hutton.
* Rent anything with Sean Penn behind bars.
* Only rent action adventure films which Siskel and Ebert give two thumbs up. Avoid anything else Siskel and Ebert give two thumbs up unless it fits some of the other criteria listed herein.
* Rent anything with Jack Nicholson but only in three month increments.
* The same goes for Bruce Willis.
* Rent everything by the Coen Brothers.
On the 101st night, after renting Pulp Fiction for only the second time, Cindy turned to me and said, “Mitch, truly you are a man of learning and culture. You have won my heart, but my boyfriend, he’s in the Merchant Marine and gets home in two days.”
“Baby, I wouldn’t fuck you with E.T.’s dick,” I lied, and moved in with my sister.
It was nearly Spring and I rented Jaws for a month.
And stuck her with all the late fees.
