Garbage Pail – Maximum Maxims – Column

Garbage Pail

by Scott Hefflon

I had a field day choosing the quotes for the five year anniversary special. Meaning, of course, that I took the day off, rode a bus for what seemed like hours, got separated from “the group” within seconds and wound up hearing my name mispronounced all day on the paging system as I got self-righteously tanked (from a bottle of rug shampoo I’d cleverly concealed in a brown lunch bag) in the back room of the gift shop with a former counter-girl (she only knew single and double digits, but man, sometimes that’s all you really need) whose name I’ve now forgotten but whose email address is forever etched in my mind, just above my Stigmata Innadagga, and later, upon rejoining “the group,” rode all the way home (shrieking “Whee, whee, whee” at the top of my lungs until someone offered to rip those self-same organs from my chest) only to discover I’d left all my notes at the bar over the bridge with the chorus and The Verses. So I had Bill choose the quotes instead.

Maximum Maxims

Why mince words when a real cutdown has more bite?

  • If you can’t take the heat, fuck off.
  • If you haven’t got anything productive to say, shut the fuck up.
  • Loose lips get punched.
  • If you want something done right, pay me more.
  • A stitch in time? What the hell are you babbling about?
  • Better on time than late, asshole.
  • Move. (More effective than “Excuse me” any day, especially when people mistake a sidewalk for a sidestand)
  • Silence. (Even more effective than “Move.” Hell, yer just gonna walk right thru the fuckers anyway. They’ll get the point.)
  • Good things come to those who pay on time.
  • Good things come to those who don’t piss me off.
  • You scratch my back and I’ll stop bad-mouthing you to everyone I know.
  • One good turn demands another. So why do I feel like I’m blowing doughnuts with you?
  • Two wrongs equals you’re fired.

Punk as fuck, but not as fluffy.
-Jenny Bendel (in a Zeke live awareness email blitz)