Signs You Are Too Drunk

Found floating in cyberspace and submitted by Deborah Nicholson

illustration by Matthew Chartier

• You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
• You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.
• Job interfering with your drinking.
• Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
• Career won’t progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
• The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
• Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
• 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case… coincidence? I think not!
• Two hands and just one mouth… now THAT’S a drinking problem!
• You can focus better with one eye closed.
• The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
• You fall off the floor.
• Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
• Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
• Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
• At AA meetings you begin: “Hi, my name is… uh…”
• You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. Hmmm.
• The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you come in…
• Every night you’re beginning to find your roommate’s cat more and more attractive.
• Roseanne looks good.
• Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
• That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
• Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past.
• The shrubbery’s drunk from too frequent watering.
• You wake up screaming “TORO TORO TORO!” in the middle of the night.