Videosyncrasy
by Guillaume Jambon
Illustration by Mediocre Concepts Unlimited
The following letter was received by Lollipop earlier this month, marked “Attn: Deviance Editor.” Though the subject matter may prove offensive to some of our more squeamish readers, we have decided to publish it in its entirety in the interest of public awareness.
Dear Sir:
I have been moved to write this letter because a disturbing new trend has been recently brought to my attention that I believe needs to be exposed to the public before it gets further out of hand. An acquaintance of mine at the University of Wisconsin has described to me, in great and sometimes horrifying detail, a game that has begun to catch on in fraternities, urban communities, and cable-ready households across the country. Though on the surface it may appear harmless and even somewhat humorous, it carries with it implications and consequences that may prove disastrous to the fabric of our society on several levels. I write this, not out of criticism or to be judgmental to its practitioners, but in the hopes that this unseemly “sport” may be curtailed before serious and permanent damage results.
The “game” is known by several different names, but the most popular appears to be “Surf’n’Jerk.” Its “rules” are simple – the player flips through television channels using a remote control device in one hand, while he (the vast majority of this game’s “players” appear to be male) engages in self-gratification with the other. The “player” is not allowed to linger on one channel for more than ten seconds at a time, nor is he allowed to remove his hand from his penis at any time during the proceedings until the “game”‘s inevitable denouement. From there, the rules deviate from region to region – in the Pacific Northwest, for example, players are compelled to continue watching the program that caused them to achieve climax until its conclusion, while in the Midwest, they are encouraged to write explicit letters to the sponsors of the program describing their reaction and pledging to purchase their products for life. (In the rare occasions where orgasm is achieved by public television, players are obligated to make a pledge in the amount necessary to receive a tote bag.) Entries are then logged in a notebook (date, time, channel, show, who/what caused orgasm, and post-game guilt factor) and are forwarded to other players for purposes of discussion, scoring, and inclusion on one of many Surf’n’ Jerk-related websites and in such underground publications as Adjusting the Antenna and TV/TS Guide.
The increasing popularity of this game has begun to reveal a number of troubling undercurrents. As may be expected, certain names and programs appear in the published material with more frequency than others (the episode of Baywatch entitled “C.J. Drops a Coin” is by far the one most often cited in the available literature), but increasingly bizarre trends are beginning to come to light. One player in St. Paul, Minnesota committed himself to an institution after realizing that only re-runs of Cannon and late-night programming on the Golf Channel would allow him to achieve the desired ends. Another reports that his most satisfying climaxes occur when the word “fricassee” is uttered, regardless of context. Nearly 90% of entries received from South Dakota make reference to the sight of infomercial self-help guru Tony Robbins’ teeth. And the airing of episodes of NYPD Blue that include the sight of renowned character actor Dennis Franz’ buttocks have suspiciously coincided with a sharp upsurge of admissions to hospital emergency rooms and calls to suicide hotlines nationwide.
In addition, reported cases of carpal tunnel syndrome, arthritis in the under-35 age group, and “priapic chafe” have increased dramatically over the last eighteen months, as has a marked decline in the average attention span of college-age subjects, coupled with extreme eyestrain and the propensity to erupt in low, guttural laughter at the slightest provocation. (However, since the latter tendencies have been escalating at a steady rate since the late 1970s, any connections between them and the popularity of this sport are inconclusive at best.)
I urge any and all concerned citizens to be on the lookout for the warning signs of Surf’n’Jerk addiction: heavily-highlighted TV Guides, the tendency to shy away from social gatherings during the hours when more than one Shannon Tweed movie is airing on the premium cable channels simultaneously, and an abundance of broken universal remotes scattered around the house and in garbage cans. If you or anyone else is seeking help for this problem, support groups are popping up around the country, particularly Don’t Touch That Dial Or Anything Else, a confidential operation based in Santa Monica, CA, that can be reached 24 hours a day at 1-800-668-8965 (1-800-NO TV WNK). Also, more experimental treatments are under development, such as sets installed with chips that block out everything but comedy specials featuring Howie Mandel and/or Gallagher, an understandably controversial form of aversion therapy that has been under attack for unnecessary cruelty but has a proven 99.6% success rate in preliminary tests. With vigilance, compassion, and patience, I believe we can put a stop to this unhealthy craze and keep America’s collective TV screens clean and unsticky. I encourage you all to help.
