Garbage Pail

Stuck on what to wear to that Special Occasion?

by Jamie Kiffel

We know how hard it can be to find the perfect outfit for every occasion. For this reason, we’ve created the CLOTHING SUPPORT CENTER. It is here that we compile outfits for each and every occasion, to fill your special needs. Here is a sampling of what we have to offer:

You’re a guy going to a feminist rally? Better shuck those beer-chugging tees and oxfords! They just blatantly communicate “chauvinist pig!” Instead, try one of our taffeta camisoles with a pair of round-toed pumps, specially engineered for maximum power and traction. Pumps show your liberal attitude, while taffeta shows you’ve got flair. Display your open-mindedness with a gown from the CSC.

Headed for a Rastafarian Revival… but you’re a Barry Manilow fan? Not to fear! Try stick-on dredlocks! They safely adhere to all areas of bald scalp. Rainbow plaid shirts are everywhere: you want to show you’re a REAL Rasta. We’ve got rainbow plaid FANNY PACKS! Rainbow fanny packs are new from the CSC: they fit snugly around your ears, protect you from attack, and even have pockets in which to store your dred adhesive. Made by our aunt Fanny.
How about if you’re off to a meeting of the Hare Krishnas? Don’t want to look out of place among the Hares, do you? We’ll provide open-toed sandals, a tambourine, and even a tape of authentic Hare Krishna chants to help you brush up on your pop Krishna cultcha. Includes such hits as: “Hare Krishna,” “Krishna Krishna,” “Hare Hare,” and “Hare Krishna (reprise).”

This is only a small sampling of our wide array of clothing support. We will make outfits to order! Just ask Leroy Cant, of Sparksville, Missouri. He writes, “I needed something to help me fit in at the nudist colony. The ‘Emperor’s Special’ sure did the trick! Thanks, CSC!!” Call TODAY! 1-800-NOT-NUDE.