Glory Daze

with Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, Vinnie DeRamus, Vien Hong, French Stewart, Alyssa Milano, John Rhys-Davies, and Spalding Gray
Directed by Rich Wilkes (Columbia)
by Scott Hefflon

Glory Daze is supposed to be a smart comedy about being dumb. It was written and directed by the guy who wrote The Jerky Boys, which probably clues you into the depth of this movie. Funny thing is, I don’t blame the movie for being pointless and mundane, I blame the topic. The movie opens with the question, “Ever wonder whatever happens to the pampered rich kids the liberal arts colleges turn out year after year?” Honestly, no. And that’s the problem. The most interesting character is a drunk named Slosh (Hong) who dropped out long ago because he lost faith in the advantages of his brilliant future as a computer whiz. Now he makes video games for fun. In a scene in the end, he confesses he’s found freedom: expecting nothing, having nothing expected of him, acting on impulse and occasionally paying the price for it, but living simply for the sake of living. Sure, it’s kind of a loser’s way of pissing away potential, but whatever makes you happy… At least Slush was honest about his loserness, unlike his chump-ass friends with their typical problems and dull-ass ways of coping with them. One guy can’t stop carrying a torch for the bubblehead who dumped him. Another is trying to do the “grown up thing” and settle down with his girlfriend, even though he’s going through the textbook motions without even realizing his heart’s not in it. Another is one of those over-verbal wizened ones who we think have all the answers, all the perspective (and they agree), until it dawns on us that they hang out with losers like us because they’re losers too, but their sales pitch is better. Not that it actually gets them anywhere. And the last chump is the shy cartoonist who, while being a dope, is at least a likable dope, finally gets the girl at the end with some of the dumbest dialogue of the movie. And that’s the main problem with Glory Daze (aside from the fact that nothing happens, and hell, if I wanted that I sure wouldn’t have to watch a movie), all the cardboard characters have typical, boring lines throughout the day-in-the-life of a bunch of people you wouldn’t want to hang out with, much less watch a movie about. Sure, the soundtrack is by Warren Fitzgerald and the Vandals, with lots of punk rock songs by NOFX, Pennywise, Assorted Jelly Beans, New Bomb Turks, yadda yadda yadda. But all timepiece “classics” about stupid kids coming of age (see: Breakfast Club, Animal House, St. Elmo’s Fire, and those sacred cows) had cool soundtracks and a little something to say about the times. At least I hated Kids because I actively didn’t want to affiliate with any of the characters. All the characters in Glory Daze need to stop crying about their sad little lives, and if that was the movie’s point, it sure could’ve found a more interesting way of communicating it.