The X-Files
Things That Stand Out When You’re Busy Saving The World
with Gillian Anderson, Adam Baldwin, David Duchovney
by Christian T. Escobar
illustration by Eric Johnson
I am not an X-Files fan, I am at best a casual viewer. In other words, I’ve seen about 15 episodes. I have tried to be a more consistent fan, but I always feel like I have too much catching up to do. However, this fall I will try to become a more consistent fan. But before then, I’ve got some issues with the new movie that I would like to talk about. You don’t mind, do you? Oh yeah, and do not read the list if you haven’t seen the film. You have been warned…
Heroes Don’t Need Food
For all the running around they do, Mulder and Scully never eat. Sure, Mulder broods over some hard liquor, but that will hardly keep you going for the long haul. I would have liked to see either one of them put some sort of fuel in them, even a Snickers bar.
Heroes Don’t Need Sleep
Okay, Scully did get some winks toward the end of the film, and Mulder spent some time in the recovery, but for the most part, neither of them sleeps. Are they robots? Even when Scully tries to get sleep, Mulder comes and whisks her away for an adventuresome trek across America.
Antarctica, Just A Hop, Skip, And A Jump Away
Is it me, or can you just leisurely book flights to the South Pole any old time these days? Agreed, Mulder is a Federal Agent, but still, Antarctica is not the Swiss Alps, you just can’t hop a TWA. I’m sorry but 48 hours is just too soon. But, maybe he did get some sleep on the flight?
Old Guys Have All The Cards
If not for The X-Files, every character actor over the age of 65 would be out of work. How is it that all the guys with the evil, powerful schemes are Social Security cases? Does not worldwide tomfoolery require young blood at some point or another?
Aliens: Bigger, Better, Faster… Humans: Dogmeat
For once I would like to see aliens characterized as cute little creatures. Remember the fuzzballs from Star Trek? I’m tired of aliens always being portrayed in a negative light. Maybe, just maybe, extraterrestrial life is more like E.T. and less like a bobcat on PCP. Oh, and a side note… how do these animal-like terror-beasts evolve enough to technologically build a space ship like that?
Sexual Tension Makes Obsessive Fans Gasp
Mulder and Scully almost do the saliva swap, kids, and some members of the audience were practically in hysterics during “the moment.” And while we’re on the subject of sexual things, has there been an X-Files related adult film? It seems to me that The Sex Files is just too good a name to pass up. Ron Jeremy could play the alien guy from the planet “FatAndHairy.”
Uhh, Radar, Telescopes, Naked Eyes???!?
How do big spaceships avoid the watchful eyes in the skies? I’ve always wondered this about UFO sightings. How is it that no credible viewing instrument picks these things up, just a guy named Ralph from Gulf Breeze with his Hitachi handi-cam made in the early ’70s?
When In Doubt, Steal From Star Trek (Or Other Sci-Fi Pictures)
It’s the crutch of all science fiction storytellers, the vast library of the Star Trek world. If you need a cool alien creation, why not steal it! When Scully and all the aliens were all connected, I only thought of one thing: The Borg. I know that four television series and seemingly countless movies have covered a lot of ground, but do you have to borrow from the most popular Trek creation? I would’ve become gravely concerned had Mulder done the wild thing with a green-skinned alien woman… that just would have been too much.
Bees: The Indestructible Critters
I’ll make this brief and simple… I’ve stepped on bees, I’ve sat on bees, I have smashed them and squashed them. Over my quarter century of living, I have killed bees in many o’ fashion, but after a few days, I would see another one buzzing around my head. All this time, I had no idea they were hiding in my collar.
Wouldn’t It Be Easy…
Perhaps I am at a loss of understanding because I am not a long time fan of the program, but why don’t they just kill Mulder? Problem solved! When the thought is broached in the film, they give some lousy excuse implying that Mulder’s death would raise him to martyr status. Uh, Hello? It’s not as if Mulder is a world famous rock star or great politician where he is visible to the general public. And you would think that if these old bastards can hide things like an alien presence on Earth that maybe, just maybe, they can make Mulder’s death look like an accident. It just seems simple to me; kill Mulder, maybe even Scully too, and the pesky problem is solved. I know that would be the end of the television series, but logic should prevail, should it not?
In The Right Place At The Right Time
How is it that whenever Mulder needs to find Martin Landau’s character or vice versa they just show up at that bar and the other guy is there. Doesn’t Landau have anything else to do all day other than sit around in a pub waiting for Mulder to waltz in? This is a common problem in motion pictures these days, common coincidence is required for the plot to move along.
Speaking Of Bars…
I love the Depressed At The Bar scene that is inserted into movies to show that the character is so low he has to resort to alcohol to squelch his sorrow. The drunkards always blurt things out that they shouldn’t and the bartender always cuts them off. For once I would like to see someone become depressed at a library or a baseball park or some place other than the local pub. (Hey, perhaps a movie theater!)
The Louder The Alien… The More Deadly?
Perhaps it was just my theater, but the alien critters were extremely loud, thus very annoying to watch on the big screen. I remember a day when aliens could be made scary by the use of make up and special effects. Now they crank the volume, use MTV-style editing, and slasher film techniques to make me piss my pants. I’m not impressed. Also, I prefer creepy to all out frightening. In my opinion, you can’t top the Giger/Scott/Cameron Alien creations, so you might as well try something different.
The Final Question
I still do not completely understand the gripping allure of the show. It has two very attractive lead actors, very good writing, some cool special effects, and every now and then they have cool names for bad guys… but what else am I missing? I’m not much of a conspiracy theorist, and for all my whining, I’m not much of a cynic. So tell me this, why do dorky male geeks and chubby homely women enjoy this television show so much? (Ahh, that is a cruel generalization, is it not? Apologies.) Oh yeah, those are the same people who fantasize about saving the world and sleeping with Gillian Anderson and/or David Duchovny. As for me, I’ll take Twin Peaks any day, because I’d prefer saving small town America and sleeping with Sherilyn Fenn.
