Issue 27:

Tailgating Destiny

By issue three (of Lollipop)… success, fame and fortune seemed just over the horizon. I’ve always had bad depth perception.
Scott Hefflon, Lollipop: The Wonder Years

To: God
From: Lex
re: Miracles
I don’t know how you do it, time and time again. Oh, the loaves and fishes were cool, and the parting of the Red Sea was really neat, but this latest one just blew me away. How’d you manage to have SST release a CD in 1996 that doesn’t have Greg Ginn playing on it?
Lex Marburger, the Sort of Quartet

Do you like rollicking, superfast songs that give you the fuzzies? No? Then FUCK YOU!
Cunt Rock Girl, Sluts For Hire

Punk’s subtlety is about as important as an industrial-strength cleanser’s aroma. It’s welcome to smell of green forests or butterscotch as long as it strips away that slick, slimy residue to show us what’s beneath.
Scott Hefflon, Guttermouth

There Are Two Kinds of People…
…there are women who have long fingernails and there are women who are creative.
…there are people who pee standing up and there are people who pee standing up because they don’t want to catch something.
…there are women who expect roses the next day and there are women who swallow.
Sheril Stanford, A Few of My Favorite Things

For those of you who are still clinging to the beauty of Camper Van Beethoven before they “sold out” to the Saltine Corporation, you can rest assured that your “back in the day” kudos are loaded with enough preservatives to guarantee a long shelf life. I’ve already eaten mine and they weren’t bad.
Joshua Brown, Cracker

Then there were the times when bands such as [name withheld for tax purposes] have shown up to molest women and set fire to the office, not to mention when [name omitted at parent’s request] swept an entire table clean so [they didn’t want us to let you know who they were] could do a little lambada/pirouette number. In the past two years, I’ve seen [court case pending], [violation of local ordinance], [topographically unfeasible], not to mention more [lies, I tell you, all lies!] than I can count.
Lex Marburger, From What Went On There, We Only Have This Excerpt…

It was the beginning of a dark chapter in Lollipop‘s history. The Senate Subcommittee On Things We Don’t Like took Hefflon to task and left him there without cab fare. He was branded “a menace to the American way of life and someone who can’t even tie a Windsor knot correctly,” as the Senate custodian Will Scrubb put it. The actual senators didn’t like him much either. A dozen years before the advent of McCarthyism, Hefflon’s was the first name on the Government’s blacklist, a historical fact largely unknown due to the fact that names don’t show up very well when written on black paper. (Remember, this was nearly a decade before the ratification of the Let’s Not Take Things Quite So Literally law.)
William Ham, 100 Years of Lollitude (Give or Take 97)

Rich in irony, the burying of Bewitched was likely the last act of shrieking eunuch elements in the culture: i.e. the edgy, button-down types who, ten years previous, were consumed with anxiety over red scares, fluoridated water, and the hips of a crooner named Presley. These individuals, the meddlesome, male Gladys Kravitzes of the world, hoped cancellation of the messenger eulogized an empowerment message they cryptically reduced to bra-burning. (Did anyone actually witness a lingerie fire? If so, what does burning elastic smell like?)
Dave Liljengren, Bewitched: Samantha Stevens, Other-Worldly Suffragette

My days of youthful insouciance have long since gone – understand that you’re dealing with a man that finds it difficult to have a wet dream about someone without taking them out for at least three dreams beforehand. ..I’d say I felt uncertain, but I’m not sure if I should. I’m so nervous I can barely indent the next paragraph.
Whew.
William Ham, The Culture Bunker: Beer and Loafing on the Campaign Trail

The Beast is life imitating life in a million living rooms at once. It’s archetype in stereo, a fun-house mirror of society. The Beast will reach its apex on a television show called Cops on the day that show broadcasts people getting arrested for drugs in their own living room while watching other people getting arrested for drugs in their own living room on a segment of the self-same show.
Kerry Joyce, The Beast