Coroner’s Corner
Meteor and Murder
by John Bikowski
Illustration by Eric Johnson
Ahhh, Summer… the season of mega-blockbusters in the theaters. I have to say I think the best film this year has easily been Armageddon. This film works its audience on many levels, even though some of the plot stretches might make you go “Auughh.” (Like the stellar and timely arrival of hero, Ben Affleck.) The only detracting point about Armageddon is the cheaper rip-off known as Deep Impact which came out a month earlier. I think they rushed it to release because they knew it would never be as good as Armageddon. In Deep Impact, I found that I couldn’t care less about a few of the characters. For instance: some teenage kid leaves the survival bunker and sets out to find some teenage girl who is somewhere in one of a million cars. Ho-hum… more mass destruction, please. The only three good points about Deep Impact were Morgan Freeman, the post-wave New York scenes, and the slushie I had at the snack bar. Another film I enjoyed was the remake of Godzilla. If you were disappointed by this film, that probably means you went with some form of expectation, and that means you’re a bona-fide imbecile. Have you ever seen any of the old Godzillas???? This new film is mint.
Out in the video bins, my pick of the month is The Replacement KilIers staring Hong Kong master of suave destruction, Chow Yun Fat. This guy can kick your ass handily and then shoot it, too. The basic story is that Mr. Fat is a skilled killer who is asked to kill the child of a cop. He sympathetically disobeys his orders and is in turn hunted by new assassins for his betrayal. Throw in the sultry yet spunky Mira Sorvino for good measure, and you’ve got a winner. One criticism: Do you realize how hard it is for a hired assassin to miss his target while firing eight rounds per second for a solid half hour?? The only bad guy bullet that finds its mark is one that’s purposefully jumped in front of. But we really shouldn’t care because this movie rocks. Chow and director Antoine Fuqua get my highest regards for not ending with the obvious and sappy goodbye kiss.
I also finally saw Breakdown with Kurt Russell, and I’d have to say I enjoyed this one, too. The premise was simple: Some scumbags do something really nasty to some pretty nice folks and then those same nice folks get to kill the crap out of the scumbags. I always gauge how much this type of film works by how much I wish I could be there to maim and disfigure the bad guys. Watching Breakdown made me want to be there. Now either I am slightly insane like my wife probably thinks, or this type of film appeals to a basic human emotion for sweet revenge. No one wants to see the bad guy go to jail. It is infinitely more satisfying to crush the nasties’ head on the rocks and then smash them with a tractor trailer. Does this type of behavior make me (I mean us) a bad person? The question that arises is “when is it okay to kill and/or torture someone?” Just ask Charles Bronson how to handle the situation. Did you ever see 10 to Midnight? The end of the film is great. Charlie is some sort of detective who tracks a serial killer to a girl’s dorm and apprehends him after the guy had gone on a nude gore-a-thon killing spree. All the other cops grab the psycho and he smiles at Charles. Bad move. The next thing you know, the nut has his brains blown out of the back of his head and the credits roll. No trial… no jail… no fuss… just one less loser on the planet.
