Liquor Lecture

by Lex Marburger
illustration by Eric Johnson

It has come to the attention of Lollipop that many of our readers enjoy imbibing an alcoholic liquid every now and again (and again…). In public interest, we offer a Lollipop Guide to Liquor. Please note: We are trained professionals and the “experiments” that follow were not attempted by “casual” or “social” drinkers. Lollipop assumes no responsibility for the actions of any drunk person, including its own staff. And ask Mom first, okay?

Drinking Symptoms and their Solutions

Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Action: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Improper bladder control.
Action: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
Fault: Glass empty.
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
Fault: You have fallen over backward.
Action: Have yourself lashed to bar.

Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
Fault: You have fallen forward.
Action: See above.

Symptom: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
Action: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

Symptom: Floor blurred.
Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom: Floor moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Action: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

Symptom: Room seems unusually dark.
Fault: Bar has closed.
Action: Confirm home address with bartender.

Symptom: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
Fault: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
Action: Cover mouth.

Lately, I’ve been pondering the role of perception in our view of “reality,” or the universe. It seems that we create our own truths and fictions, and only agree marginally about what’s “real.” However, seeing as how this is a column about drinking, I’ll have to blend the two together somehow.

As far as I can tell, what’s out there are a bunch of atoms, streaming into our perceptions (eyes, nose, lips, fingers, ears) at an extremely high rate. So there I was, getting shitfaced on something green (evidently a high Midori content), and talking to the bartender. We can’t possibly hope to decipher and pay attention to all the information coming in at once, or we’d go crazy. There was probably some vodka in it too, you can’t go wrong putting vodka in a girlie drink. There is an opinion that this is what happens during an acid trip. Girlie drink? What red-necked motherfucker came up with that term? But how do we decide what to filter out? Something sweet, with an umbrella, maybe some rum, like a daiquiri. We choose ourselves, from our experiences, but are immensely influenced by our culture and family. Waitaminnit. The stuff we do filter out is by choice, albeit unconsciously. What am I talking about? But what we choose not to see, someone else might find of utmost importance. Who decided daiquiris are for wimps, anyway? How can we ever agree on anything? Hemingway drank ’em all the time. Others are literally blind to what we consider important. Not one of those wack kiwi or strawberry ones, though. Communication is impossible, understanding just a dream. Nope, just rum (a bunch), some citrus, and ice. It hardly seems feasible to break out of these tunnel visions, because we don’t even know they exist. Toss it in a blender, put it in a glass. Some “liberals” seem to understand that other people have different viewpoints, and theirs is not the “only” right one. Cuts through the heat, gets ya drunk. But some “fundamentalists” can’t even see that. Get that banana away from me. Ever notice how “liberals” always agree on compromise, but “fundamentalists” can’t even conceive of it? So anyway, I was drinking this sweet crap that was messing with my mind. And what happens, the “liberals” concede to the demands of “fundamentalists,” and everyone’s quality of life is decreased. What else was in this? This could also be a main source of the “slacking” trend. Chartreuse? That stuff is fucked up, I can tell you. To have a purpose, dedication, and meaning is to have an unfaltering view of right and wrong. Kinda like Jäg, but more of a distinction between the sweet and the bitter, almost like there’s two drinks in it. I have a vision to make the world better, and I can achieve this goal. And it’s a bizarre drunk, too. But an increased knowledge of relativity, combined with the revelation that the people you want to change are blind and deaf to your point is disheartening, to say the least. I’ve found myself doing some weird stuff while drinking it. But that is in itself a fallacy and a tunnel vision all its own. As one man put it, “You’ll find yourself dancing, and someone’ll step on your fingers.” It’s possible to change your own life for the better, and it is possible to make other people see things other than through their own filters. But after the spastic stuff wears off, it gets ya to thinking. The only problem is that the process is incredibly slow. You know, about the deeper meanings of reality. But enough for now. But enough for now. Time for another drink. Time for another drink.

Have no fear, gentle readers. Next time, I’ll be getting good and soused again, with no mental expansion whatsoever. Any “deep thoughts” you may have had while reading this article should be kept to yourself and in no way should you attempt to contact Lollipop with any ideas or articles of your own. Just anticipating the inevitable lack of reader response in advance.