Nobodys
Greatasstits (Hopeless)
by Scott Hefflon
One might ask oneself why anyone (either the one in question, but not necessarily the one with the question, or another one) would ever need 52 fuckin’ songs by the Nobodys, almost 74 minutes in all. It’s a damn good question (though not necessarily very well-phrased). Well, you do. If only for the cover and/or poster of Taylor Wayne’s hooters or the liner (though not necessarily linear) notes provided by Rev. Nørb (one of the only punk writers worth a damn, at least who isn’t on Lollipop‘s staff), this is a must get.
To be honest, Greatasstits is, perhaps, one of the most grueling listening experiences I can think of. But, to swipe a line from the “good” Rev., “I am not actually trying real hard.” The phrase “long playing” (which, for the kids, is where the abbreviation “LP” comes from) never meant so much. But I doubt that’s the intention of Greatasstits. I think we’re supposed to simply have this thing, tape certain songs onto mixed tapes, impress our friends with all the cool, um, “nobody” (sorry) bands our underground asses have in our collection despite the fact that we lost the tape case on some road trip (was that the one we threw at the shithead who cut us off on the way to the Warped tour last year?) and can no longer remember who did what song. Not that it matters.
Greatasstits basically takes all the comp tracks, demo tracks, 7″ tracks, unreleased outtakes, and, um, everything else they’ve ever had the lack of judgment to slap on tape, and puts it all on one very, very long CD. By the very nature of such an endeavor, many of the songs on Greatasstits suck. Many. Others are the gems you’ll put on those mixed tape I was just blathering about. Rather than do the tiresome play-by-play, I’ll simply mention a few (many, actually) notable songs. (Please keep in mind I already have all their 7″s and most of the comps – like it or not – because I run what passes for a magazine and have yet to figure out a way to record over 7″s and CDs. I’m kidding. I actually like these guys, I’m simply poking fun at the fact that I keep entirely too many “records” by bands which, sooner or later, are rendered unnecessary by these “everything but the kitchen sink remix of the song ‘All'” releases unless, of course, you have the rather useless hobby of collecting every shred of music, no matter how ignorable, by a band that, in a much later incarnation, actually recorded a good song.)
Opening with “All Kinds of Girls,” one of the most covered songs (by punk bands) this side of “Summer of ’69” and “867-5309 (Jenny),” the Nobodys instantly remind me of what I dislike about them, and about punk covers: JJ (insert lowercase x’s after the J’s) can’t sing for shit, is often either flat, monotone, or not even in the same state as the ball park of the melody. And the cover doesn’t do anything for the song, except make the Klover version sound good in comparison. And then there’re a whole slew of songs that sound alike, that patented JJ voice (sounds like he’s grunting out a really big crap) missing most of the notes, snarling all sorts of lovably un-PC opinions every high school punk (hopefully) scribbles on book covers and bathroom walls until their parents buy them a computer and then they start writing reviews for shitty, typo-ridden, fold & staple punk rags no one reads. A few exceptions are anything Julie Disaster sings on (she’s got a sexy-yet-strong voice, kinda like Tilt’s Cinder Block, but less snarly and, um, actually not like Tilt’s Cinder Block at all) and the occasional instrumental (not especially good punk bands should leave the instruments to ALL/Descendents, who are good and can write good songs, otherwise they’re just not very interesting songs without the not very interesting words).
Other songs worth mentioning (that’s debatable): “You Shock (sic) Me All Night Long,” which sucked when I heard it on whichever poorly-executed comp it originally came out on, and it sucks now; Rick Springfield’s “I’ve Done Everything For You,” which I would love to hear covered by another band, and “We Go Together” from Grease. The latter originally appeared as an uncredited bonus track on the Hopelessly Devoted to You comp, and because it was so great (despite the aforementioned, yet, in this case, utterly charming flubbing of practically every note), I always thought it was by Schlong, who did a much-needed cover of “Gee Officer Krupke.” This mistaken identity should be interpreted as a very large compliment. The inclusion of Joe Queer’s guest vocals on “Temporarily Blind” (the first attempt) is funny in the same way Bazooka Joe comics are funny: You read them, chuckle slightly, then throw them away and never think of them again. Following are more songs I’m pretty sure I’ve heard before, but they’re all kinda blending together into a big blur of crap we all recorded when we were in high school bands that sucked and, unfortunately, someone had access to a four-track so it was captured for “posterity” (i.e. knock-you-off-yer-high-and-mighty-horse reminders your “friends” mail anonymously to you when you start to get all cool on yer bad self and think you’ve changed addresses enough so those “friends” will never be able to track you down).
The cover of Sesame Street‘s “Up and Down” (originally performed by Cookie Monster and the tragically neglected Herry Monster on the “C” is for Cookie record which, by the way, I own) is very Oi! sounding, and I think that irony (punk kids, if you are unfamiliar with this word, please look it up in what’s called a dictionary) is remarkable enough in itself. And then there are more songs about masturbation, porno, drag queens, the death penalty, pussy, how girls suck, how no one likes them, and how they don’t like anyone. Closing the CD (any bonus tracks would be rather redundant, don’tcha think?) is the “r’n’r version” of “Thinking About You,” (the tasty ’50s-style ballad appears earlier, but it’s sandwiched between “I’ve Done Everything For You” and “We Go Together” and I didn’t want to lose my train of [what under imported and rather costly lighting resembles] thought). Sung by Julie Disaster, she of the to-die-for voice and cool mohawk to boot, the song ends Greatasstits on a good note. An E.
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