Ugly Kid Joe

The Very Best of, As Ugly as it Gets (Chronicles)
by Scott Hefflon

I know what you’re thinking: “‘The Best Of?’ What is it, a single?” And yeah, you’re right. What’re you supposed to say about a band that had three hits, two of which were covers? And not very good covers, when you get right down to it. So why was scratchy-voiced singer Whitfield Crane on all sorts of magazine covers and interviewed so heavily for that inglorious time in rock history known as the early ’90s? Damned if I know. I always thought the fucker was a one-hit-wonder little prick, but someone thought the kids liked him. Or maybe it was either him or Kurt, and Whitfield (what kinda fuckin’ name is that anyway?) was only too happy to spout off on any subject any time anywhere. That’s called overexposure, kids, and if there is a God (or any sense of balance in the universe), there are certain over-exposed half-wits who’re going to be looked back on with “Why the hell did anyone like those two-bit rip-offs anyway?” Yeah, I may take shit now for openly despising certain new metal heroes, but time will wipe the cob-webs from your star-struck eyes eventually.

So yeah, Ugly Kid Joe put out three records (As Ugly As They Wanna Be in ’91, America’s Least Wanted in ’92, and Menace to Sobriety in ’95 – actually Popoff’s Collector’s Guide to Heavy Metal indicates a fourth, Motel California, released by Castle in ’96, but it ain’t mentioned here, there’re no tracks culled from it, and I think I’ve intentionally blocked out ever having known about it) that combined post glam, pre-grunge surfer/stoner/loser fashion with ignorable melodies and distinctive yet ultimately annoying, raspy vocals. The cover of Harry Chapin’s classic “Cat’s in the Cradle” was an easy hit, seeing as it’s a timeless song that’ll always make sense. And their cover of Black Sabbath’s “N.I.B.” was no great shakes either, but it’s a great song, they didn’t fuck it up much, and UKJ got the PUSH major labels reserve for talentless hacks they know they’re going to take a bath on if they don’t cram them down yer throat at every possible opportunity. And when there’s not an opportunity, they make one. Man I wish they’d put all that muscle to some good fuckin’ use someday…

So As Ugly As It Gets comes down to one original song, “Everything About You,” the song that started it all. And it all shoulda stopped there, but the band was probably bright enough to get a three record deal, so that’s what they got. I got an advance cassette of the EP, the kind with no art, no info, and simple typewritten song titles on a plain white J-card. It cost me a buck, and that’s all it’s worth. It had a cover of Sabbath’s “Sweet Leaf” on it, and I seem to recall liking it. I haven’t dug it out in years, and I seem to be sleeping just fine at night, thanks. Early on, the boys were compared to Scatterbrain – for whatever that’s worth – but I’ll take it one deeper: Ludichrist (the band Scatterbrain grew out of). Aside from having members of Agnostic Front, Murphy’s Law, Nuclear Assault (back when that meant something) and, um, maybe some others who stopped in for a sing-along called “You Can’t Have Fun,” there was a great number called “Thinking of You” with the catchy/shouted chorus “You disgust and revolt me, you really do. It’s guaranteed nausea just thinking of you.” Well, ya kinda have to hear it for the proper effect. But anyway, the Ugly kids hit a similar mark for one brief and shining moment with “(I Hate) Everything About You,” a song that rattled off a long list of things they hated, back and forth, cute head-bobbing rhythms, pogoing ending, goofy staggering-in-the-sand ranting, the video filled with scruffy, smiling/snarling faces shaking it on the beach. The average Joe (ahem) usually doesn’t get to coin a slogan for the masses. Ugly Kid Joe got to do it once, and good for them. Now please fuck off.