Garbage Pail

Crucifix Out, Electric Chair In

by Matt Sullivan
illustration by Dave Dawson

Church Decides To Update Jesus Christ Death Device

The King Of the Jews now has a throne to go with his crown of thorns.

The Catholic Church, responding to focus groups’ confusion, has decided to replace the popular image of Jesus Christ nailed on the crucifix. The new symbol will feature Jesus sitting in a more contemporary mode of execution: the electric chair. The symbol will be available for necklaces, wall hangings, and wherever else a picture of a nearly-nude, bleeding man is needed just in time for the Christmas season.

“People just didn’t ‘get’ the crucifix,” said Robert Trifone, the Vatican public relations maven behind the change. “Some people thought it was some sort of mail-order exercise machine that Jesus used to stretch out with. Others associated it with S and M – they thought Jesus was getting some sort of sick pleasure out of being crucified.”

All of which, to Trifone and the Vatican’s marketing team, meant that it was time for a change. “When you add the fact that 67% of those under 20 thought the crucifix was created by the Blair Witch to the already prevalent ‘what’s the difference between a crucifix and a cross?’ confusion, you know we have a marketing snafu of Crystal Pepsi proportions on our hands,” Trifone said.

It All Depends On The Execution: below, a list of the options mulled by the Vatican before the electric chair was settled on, with commentary by Trifone:

NOOSE: “Would only encourage people to start guessing letters.”

GUILLOTINE: “Too French.”

GAS CHAMBER: “Too difficult to get across visually. Though getting into a confession booth with Father McCarthy after a pot-luck supper of beans would provide a reasonable simulation, virtual-reality style. I’m kidding; he was my pastor in the old neighborhood.”

LETHAL INJECTION: “It would look too much like Jesus was shooting up heroin, especially when you consider his strung-out build and scraggly hair.”