Garbage Pail
DNA Action
by Matt Sullivan
illustration by Rich Mackin
DNA action is fantastic? In signing the Jordan clones, the Bulls and the NBA make a controversial first step
In a landmark deal negotiated in the wake of superstar Michael Jordan’s retirement and last year’s horrendous record, the Chicago Bulls have signed a contract with Jordan landing them exclusive rights to his DNA. The $1 billion contract (figures to be adjusted for inflation) begins in 2017, when the first batch of Jordan clones turns 18. Coca-Cola, McDonalds, Nike, and Gatorade have also signed similar contracts for the Jordan replications (they are in negotations with Tiger Woods regarding his DNA rights as well), and Warner Brothers has announced plans for a sequel to Space Jam featuring Mike, Bugs, and pals facing off with a new roundball opponent – their own clones.
In another controversial aspect of an already controversial deal, Jordan insisted that the Bulls sign Phil Jackson’s genetic matter to a long term contract, since Jackson himself is now coaching the Lakers. Jordan had no comment, but his new agent, Dr. Richard Seed tells Lollipop that his Airness (or is that Heirness?) is “understandably ecstatic.”
This bold move by Bulls owner Jerry Reinsdorf has Jerry Jones jealous – and NBA officials nervous. “It’s bad enough we scout seventh-graders, now we’re recruiting the unborn?” worried an NBA exec who wished to remain anonymous. Many NBA owners are outraged. “First the astronomical salaries, now eugenics?,” asked one. Still, many jealous GM’s embrace the potential of cloning. “My anger is basically of the ‘Why didn’t I think of that?’ variety,” said the Celtics’ Rick Pitino.
The advertising world was perhaps even more blown away by the Jordan-clone milestone. One top Nike executive couldn’t contain his enthusiam. “They said we’d never have another Michael Jordan,” he noted, “Now we have an infinite amount of Michael.” The Jordan clones could also appeal to a very desirable demographic – cloned kids ages 6-16. “‘Do clones have souls?’ Who cares, as long as they have disposable income!” said the head of a leading advertsing agency. “If cloning really takes off like I think it will, there’s going to be a nation of cloned kids out there,” attests an industry expert. “And like ‘real’ kids, the cloned kids are going to buy sneakers, eat McDonalds, drink Coke, wear Hanes… and they’re also going to need heroes.”
Of course, the usual arguments against cloning are being trotted out, but in a relatively new twist, child-rights advocates are also railing against the NBA. “What if the clone wants to become a violinist?” asks Betsy Alcott of Me First!. “By pursuing his dream, he’d be violating the terms of his Draconian ‘contract’.”
Still, though Commissioner David Stern has promised that a specially-assigned committee will investigate cloning, Reinsdorf marches on unimpeded. “I’d like to try some Island of Dr. Moreau-type of stuff with the DNA,” an enthusiastic Reinsdorf said. “Imagine fusing the DNA of Steve Kerr and Dennis Rodman!” Only time will tell what will become of this cloning controversy. Until then, we can only guarantee one thing, what the Jordan-clones won’t be doing in 2022: playing baseball.
