Garbage Pail

Coming Distractions

by Matt Sullivan
illustrations by Ans

Ain’t It Cool?
The Harry Knowles biopic, sure to get some publicity on that website of his. The tagline: “When a fan becomes a player, rules get broken.” Phillip Seymour Hoffman, in a Nutty Professor-style fat suit with make-up by Rick Baker, plays the website gossip guru. Witness the excitement when Harry gets a scoop: “Oscar nominees, hacked from the ABC server! Go with it! Let’s do this!”

Win Weinsteins’ Money
It’s Miramax: The Game Show: The Movie! It’s another heist of the zeitgeist for trend-surfers Bob and Harvey, as they (and maybe even you!) cash in on the game show trend. Quentin Tarantino begat Kevin Williamson begat Ehren Kruger begat… you?

Free Mumia
Will the Academy give him a fair trial? Norman Jewison directs. Rage Against The Machine does the soundtrack. Malcolm Jamal-Warner is Mumia Abu-Jamal. Mumia Abu-Jamal is guilty.

The Gun Has No Clothes*
*But That’s Normal, Since Guns Don’t Normally Wear Clothes
Hollywood’s self-referential, postmodern meta-madness hits its logical nadir in this parody of the Naked Gun movies. Leslie Nielsen plays Leslie Nielsen playing Frank Drebin, and, upon seeing a stuffed beaver, quips “oh, so this is supposed to be the part where I make some sort of sexual innuendo.”

French Kruller
Stick it up your… yeah! After the success of American Pie, it’s time that the girls got a pastry-fucking movie of their own. This one won’t forget about foreplay: in a nod to Alexander Portnoy, one must “make love” to your liver (or at least deep-tongue kiss your broccoli) before you get to screw your dessert.

Perfect Strangers: The Movie
In the grand tradition of The Mod Squad and The Wild Wild West, it’s yet another bad TV show made into an even worse movie. Robin Williams is “Cousin Larry,” Roberto Benigni is “Balki.” Wacky antics ensue; scenery gets chewed like Bubbalicious.