Garbage Pail

Sympathy for the Music Industry: Fake Band Names

by Scott Hefflon
illustration by Dave Dawson

“Why tell a joke when you can retell a joke?”
– me, just now

Here’s a portion of a list of fake band names I came up with for a mock version of the mp3 CD which should be glued into the center spread of this issue. I got a few good chuckles outta writing ’em, so why waste ’em on a promo-only version of the CD only records label execs ever saw?

Metal/ Hardcore
Age of Carnage
Bloodsausage
By This Axe I Rule
Cannibalized Cheerleader Corpses
Death Angel Cake
Disemboweled Owl
Entombed in Apathy
Extreme Nasty Stuff
For A Day
Front, The
Goreburger
Hatefuck
Impaled Babies
In Danger of Drowning
Jawlock
Just Plain Ugly
Kill People
The Knuckledraggers
Land Where Our Fathers Died
Misplaced Rage
Nailed Nazarene
Necrophilic Cannibal Pedophiles
Open Fire
Overwhelming Anguish
Pride & Ignorance
Puddles of Putrescence
Putrefied Puppy Chowder
Ravenous Hatred
Scars Don’t Heal
Terrifying Things
Until You Shut Up
Victim of Internal Mortification
Welded Steel
Zero Tolerance

Stoner/Hard Rock
Children of the Bong
Cream of Weed
Dopebunny
Dusty Bottoms
Erik the Viking
Flyswabber
The Goatfuckers
The Great and Powerful Oz
High on Fumes
Hoochie Mama
Iron Stallion
Jesus on the Dashboard
Masters of Ineptitude
The Mississippi Queens
No Anchovies, Please
Power Grid
Pussy Willow Band
Quiff
Revolting Peasants
Stanley the Janitor
United Postal Lip Service
Weeds, The

Electro/Goth/Industrial
Acid Burn
Battery Acid Squirtgun
Bend the Spoon
The Creepy Reapers
Dawn of the Dub
DJ Bill Dozer
DJ Frito Lay
Freaks So Chic
God on Glue
The Heavy Sighs
Junkies Need Love Too
Kervorkian Solution
Latex Deception
Loving Darkness
Melancholy in May
Moping and Sighing
Night of Darkness
Of Shadows
Pit of Despair
Rain Falls Nightly
Sliced Beats
The Soothing Sounds of Suicide
Trauma Junkies
UberGoth
Utopian Death Squad

Punk
The Big Meanies
The Clichés
The Crazy Weasels
Damn You Stink
The Deadfucks
The Feel Me Ups
The Fresh Outta Give-a-Fucks
Generation Fuck You
Girls on Trampolines
The Havenots
I Fucked Your Sister
The Irritants
The Jackmeoffs
The Jan Brady Hit Squat
The Latest Band from SoCal
The Lousy Lays
The Motherfuckers
The Mouthfuls
The Naked Schoolgirls
The Nosepickers
Rebellious Little Fuckers
Try Not to Act Stupid
Use Only as Rejected
The Violent Motherfuckers

Emo/Indie/Rock
Asses of Fire
Braindead Consumers
Bunny Foo Foo
The Drama Queens
The English Muffins
Fall Down Go Boom
Garden Tools
Gee Wally
The Horrible Band Name
Incomplete Sentences
It’s Your Mom, Dude
The Jersey Turnpike
Kiddie Pool
The Limp Noodles
Lucy’s Sweet Ass
Milk from Mother
Nothing There
One Life to Live
Partly Cloudy
Springtime for Hitler
To Each His Own
Utilities Not Included
Vapid Talk
The Vigilant Clockwatchers
Weakness is a Virtue
Wolfgang Amadeus Lawn Mower
Zero Cred