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Columns/Fiction

Garbage Pail – DNA Action – Column

January 1, 2000

In a landmark deal negotiated in the wake of superstar Michael Jordan’s retirement and last year’s horrendous record, the Chicago Bulls have signed a contract with Jordan landing them exclusive rights to his DNA.

Garbage Pail – Crucifix Out, Electric Chair In – Column

January 1, 2000

The Catholic Church, responding to focus groups’ confusion, has decided to replace the popular image of Jesus Christ nailed on the crucifix. The new symbol will feature Jesus sitting in a more contemporary mode of execution: the electric chair.

Y2K – The 59 All-Time Greatest… – Column

January 1, 2000

Internationally renowned Music/Film/Fashion/Media critic Jean-Paul Bavard was recently asked by the editors of The Journal of French Semiotic Theory for his list of the most important and influential events and people of the 20th century.

Y2k – Show of the Century – Column

January 1, 2000

The top concert of the millennium would be Altamont – Stones, Ike Turner, Hell’s Angels with pool cues, some guy in a lime green sharkskin suit was stabbed to death, there was some fat naked chick who looked like Roseanne Barr in the front…

Y2K – God is an Error Message – Column

January 1, 2000

Y2K has come to save us! There is a God, we realize! For the computer is NOT all-knowing, seeing, and indestructible. It’s foiled by a clock! And as the electronic gods shiver down, whacked in their surprising weak spots like a digital Achilles toppled.

Y2K – 1999: Metal’s Final Year? – Column

January 1, 2000

Maybe some of these bands will release their greatest work in the new millennium. They’ve tried the grunge thing, and they can only rehash their old tunes so many times before even the-stuck-in-the-’80s-fans realize they’re being duped.

Why the Music Industry is So Screwed Up – Column

January 1, 2000

There are too many bands with too little to say. People have told me it’s hard to write a great song. Really? If you can’t write enough good songs, you’re in the wrong fuckin’ line of work.

The World Turned Upside (Again) – Fiction

January 1, 2000

It’s possible, then, that people in the year 3K might look back and say, “You know, those people back in the year 2000 were a bunch of fuckin’ douche bags, but look at this article here. This guy Ham seemed to’ve evolved himself into a sort of non-ape.”

Eat, Drink, Sing, Wipe – Fiction

January 1, 2000

“Grak, me get bluebird mating call stuck in head again.” And Grak, having found himself absently humming bluebird songs to himself, understands.

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