Heroes Jargon – Column

Heroes Jargon

by Bob Butman
illustration by David Dawson

Hi! Welcome to the pages of the Heroes Jargon X-mas. Before I start, how about that cover? Gotta love the little green lollipop guy and check out the return of David C. Dawson with his version of the Lollipop Heroine. Smokin!! Maybe for X-mas, Dave could give Leifeild a few pointers. Na, just kidding, besides, Dave has better things to do.

Ya know, sometimes I think the only people who read this article are the typist and my mother, but I don’t care. I’m still going to ramble on about the comic world as I see it. (By the way, I’ll let you in on a secret, I’m the typist, and my mom checks my spelling.) This issue I’m going to lighten up on the reviews and rap a little about what the collector should have his eyes on this Christmas.

First, let’s see if we can swing through the reviews. Since most of the companies are gearing up for the new year, there’s not as much to go on and on about. Then, I’ll get into all those great things we’ll never be able to afford. D.C. kicked out a few number ones this time around with Lobocop, Robin, Steel, Superboy, Supergirl, Supercat, Superhamster… (Alright, so the cat and the hamster don’t have their own series, but they should. Everyone else does.)

If you read last issue, you know who I’m not going to review. Lobo‘s back with another number 1 (what is this 8 or 9 of them now?) packed with more senseless violence and swearing to brighten your holiday. As mentioned last time, Robin has his own $ERIE$, and life without the Batman seems to be just as dangerous. Just because the likes of the Joker and Killer Croc aren’t after Robin, that doesn’t mean he’s taking it easy. The story in the first two issues moves without a stressful plot. For instance, instead of world taken over by the bad guys, Tim Drake (once again, for those of you who live in a closet: A.K.A. Robin) has a spat with his girlfriend at the school dance. Actually, it’s really fun to read, much like the Catwoman and Batman, but it’s not as serious, yet. Speaking of Batman and the Catwoman, check out Batman 503 where Mrs. Kyle tells us some interesting news about the two studs behind the Bat. Our feline friend gives the new Bats a shock by telling him that Bruce Wayne had a great Animal scent. So much so, in fact, that Jean Paul should probably be worrying about sterility. (All that from sniffing their flesh, what a woman!) Before I close off this little Batman section, I have some trying news. For those of you who, like myself, read the Batman/Judge Dredd crossover, Judgment on Gotham, and had viewed it as an all around masterpiece, surely you were ecstatic to learn of a part two. Well, instead of drooling, the only fluid that will come from your face will be tears. This disgusting piece of trash is priced by the Grinch at $5.95. It features Batman, Judge Dredd and the ghastly Ventriloquist. Ya! Oh boy, who could be so evil? Come on, Gargamel from the Smurfs was more diabolical than he is! Anyway, it ends up being a six dollar filler issue, since number three will be out next year. Let’s hope it’s worthy of the first one.

O.K., time to rag on Image. I really shouldn’t say that. There was actually a lot good stuff put out in the last month. The T.M.N.T./Savage Dragon crossover was really hip. You gotta love seeing all those green heroes in one mag. Spawn took off on a somewhat artistic tangent for issues 14 and 15 with a really overly dramatic storyline. The good news is that issue 16 will be out sometime. The Maxx just keeps getting stranger and next issue, Pitt wants to play with the Maxx. Cool! (Probably have to keep the Pitt in print since Dale Keown isn’t too quick about it.)

Now for the loser book of the month: Prophet, brought to us by the great creative genius Rob Leifeild. Good god Rob, can’t you come up with anything on your own!!! This pathetic hero’s origin, in my eyes, is directly ripped off from Captain America and has villains like Magnus. That, with a cheesy script that quotes from the Bible, you’ve finally made me vomit. Maybe with the upcoming Troll character that looks like a short Wolverine, I’ll be too sick to right bad things about you.

Cyberforce number one is out and leading us into the WildC.A.T.S crossover. It’s time to find out a lot more about the two meanest characters in Image: Ripclaw and Warblade. It’s titled Killer Instinct and it’s gonna be killer.

Enough about Image and into Valiant. These guys just love number zero’s. Now Bloodshot and Shadowman join the #0 ranks with Archer & Armstrong, Harbinger, Magnus, Unity, and XO Manowar. At first, this #0 thing kinda bothered me, but if they keep puttin’ out books like those above, keep going Valiant!

Malibu’s Ultraverse has got me and a lot of others so wound up that I can’t seem to pick out just a few to write about. They’re all so good that I’m just going to wait and see if a select few that rise above. If not, I’ve got a lot of writing to do next issue. Also from Malibu comes the Dead Clown, which is a little sick, a little tasteless and a whole lot of fun. Pick one up in Lake Edna or in your neck of the Ghetto.

Let’s finish up with Marvel, as usual. The Sabretooth mini series ended. Enuff said! As did the Deadpool series. Deadpool started weak in #1, got movin’ in #2 and #3, but just kinda lamed out for the conclusion (which usually happens when they have bigger and better plans for a solo character). Expect another mini some time next year. The X titles are just going mad with the return of Magneto. Colossus joins the master of magnetism after his sister Illyana dies from a new type of disease. (Marvels way of saying AIDs without saying it.) Wolverine loses his unbreakable body, Cyclops is finally going to make an honest woman out Jean Grey, but Strong Guy still has that obnoxious patch of hair. The Midnight Sons story is still going strong, so don’t lax off on picking up your issues. Zarathos is in the thick of things plotting for the possession of the Medallion of Power and teams up with the Lilin. Bye Bye Centerious (Don’t ya love it when the bad guys turn on one another? Kinda like eating your young.) Mother Lilith doesn’t want you anymore. The big secret that we learn in this story is that the old and the new Ghost Riders are brothers and the battle has just begun. Thus the Seige of Darkness reigns on.

All right, enough with new comics. Let’s get into some X-mas ideas. Of course, X-men and Marvel Superheroes toy lines are the perfect stocking stuffers. With great looking figures like Silver Surfer, Bishop, Deathlock, Omega Red, and Deadpool it makes it hard to pick just one. This is an impressive line and worthy of the Marvel collector, so get ’em at $4.99 while you still can. Better yet, have someone else get them for you. Other toy ideas would include Hasbro’s prestigious G.I. Joe Hall of Fame collection. These 12″ dolls bring on the return of the the original Joes of the ’60s and are priced toward being an under the tree gift. At $19.99 to $29.99, they’re still affordable for those who tell you you’re hard to buy for. Much in the same price and quality range of the Marvel figures are the Batman figures from the animated series. These comically sculptured pieces are unique, colorful, and just dying to be played with – I mean, displayed nicely! Also in that range are Star Trek: The Next Generation figures and Aliens.