Coroner’s Corner – Column

Coroner’s Corner

by John Bikowski
illustration by Joe Niedbala

Well, once again, it’s that time o’ year to pay homage to your faithful companion (if you are lucky enough or unlucky enough to have one). If you are from the latter persuasion, take heart… for I am about to speak of several sick, twisted, dysfunctional relationships that will pale yours in comparison! So, if you’ve seen My Bloody Valentine a hundred thousand times, then seek ye these at your local video bungalow.

1 The Offspring: The first story concerns an aged moron whose awkward sexual advances on a hot young co-worker fall flat. He opts for strangling her, singing her a snappy tune, and banging her (in that order). Nine months later, a decomposed, pissed-off baby rips itself from mother’s womb and from mother earth.

2 Nightmare: Junior sees his mom and dad playing kinky charades in bed. Dad is tied down and Mommy is whoring it up with an S&M routine. Naturally, their darling returns with an ax and whizzes it past Mom’s jugular. She gropes the wound just in time for the second pass which cleanly lops off her head, gushing forth two steady gorges of the red stuff. Dad’s begging is then cut short as the ax plunges deep into his skull. Thanks!

3 Angel Heart: If you like Mickey Rourke’s buns, you will love the scene where he and Lisa Bonet hump each other wildly while being drenched in gore and rain from above. The Cosby Show just doesn’t seem the same anymore.

4 Meet the Feebles: Here’s a film about muppets in a variety show. Messed up couplings abound with the filming of a porno scene between a cockroach and a cow, a horny rabbit who takes on two partners and prides himself on his “bunnylingus,” and a love triangle between a groundhog, a poodle, and a smack-dealing rat. We also have a chicken who claims an elephant is the father of her child. He denies responsibility even though the baby chick is all gray and has a big trunk. Throw in a healthy dose of guts and gore and we have an instant classic.

5 Dead Ringer: How about when Genevieve Bujold is dating one of two identical twins played by Jeremy Irons. Little does she know that they take turns with her sexually. In one grotesque scene, she dreams she’s in bed with both twins and sees a puke-inducing, phallic-like, veiny tube connecting their naked bodies at the waist. She decides to dive in with teeth-a-flailing and bite through the gory, pulsating, torn tissue. Yummy?!

6 I Spit On Your Grave: Still banned in England, this “Video Nasty” features a woman writer searching for solitude. What she finds instead is three goons and their goonier sidekick, Mr. Goony himself, who savagely rape and sodomize her for 20 straight minutes of film. They leave her for dead, though she’s not, and go on with their crummy lives. She finds them one by one, comes on to them, then hangs and chops them. One poor schmuck is enjoying a naked bath massage when she reaches outside, grabs a knife and castrates him. The guy moans in pleasure before and after the loss of his weenie. In the wake of the Bobbitts, this scene smacks of social relevance.

So you see… your relationship can’t be that bad!!?!! If it is, write us a letter… we’re the curious type.