Liquor Lecture

by Lex Marburger
illustration by Chris Sherman

In public interest, we present a Lollipop guide to Liquor. Please note: We are professionals and the “experiments” that follow were not attempted by “casual” drinkers. Lollipop assumes no responsibility for the actions of any drunk person, including its own staff. And ask Mom first, okay?

Part Two: Vodka or “Thank God For Potatoes!”*

Here we have the concrete of booze. That is, it’s the basis of most mixed drinks, it’s dependable, and it tastes awful. I’ve found that it can only be enjoyed when mixed with something. I don’t know how the Soviets can drink the stuff like water. I met a guy named Mike at a party, who is Russian, and asked how that was possible. He said, “I don’t know… maybe it’s in the genes.” Then he grabbed my bottle and slammed some down. The only other time I saw someone guzzle that much straight vodka, they went into rehab.

As I said, you can find vodka in almost everything. I received a wonderful recipe from Lacey Astra Reeves for a Vodka Gimlet. There are also Bloody Marys, Martinis, Black Russians, Cape Codders, Kamikazes… all have vodka as a main ingredient. Not to mention variations like a Vodka Sling, Vodka Collins, etc. This is because vodka has almost no smell and it tastes, as stated above, like raw turpentine. Scott Hefflon says it’s the best thing if you want to “drink night after night, repeatedly, for a long time.” Takes one to know one.

Vodka seems to knock out the lower brain functions (like walking), as any alcohol will, but it leaves the higher ones (i.e. talking) alone. I’ve spent more all-nighters with uppity college Philosophy majors while drinking vodka, because all the other boozes make me want to kick their self-righteous asses. Although the conversations may not be extremely deep, it’s more coherent than, say, with bourbon.

I learned the effects of a vodka drunk from a woman in Maryland. Vodka was the only thing she would drink, and she had a specific way to drink it. First, put it in the freezer for a few hours, until it’s ice cold. Then pour the vodka into one glass, and (hang on) pour Mountain Dew into another. I know, but don’t knock it ’till you try it. Then, take a sip of Dew, a sip of vodka, and another sip of Dew. The theory goes (a) the Mountain Dew, with all its sugar and caffeine, counteracts the drowsy effects of alcohol, and (b) the 2:1 ratio of Chaser to Booze eliminates hangover. Well, item (b) didn’t always work, but it did reduce the chances.

Speaking of hangovers, Max says that he experienced the worst one of his life from vodka. I have found it just gives me a creepy, heavily disoriented feeling, with everything out of perspective. max@art.redstar.com e-mailed saying, “it gives you delusions of grandeur.” Well, I certainly hope so. It gives me something to fall back on when people call me an arrogant prick.

One of my fondest vodka memories would be the day my girlfriend and I went for a picnic on an island last summer. After an exhausting (yet lovely) meal and trip home, we stopped off at a liquor store and got all the makings for Cape Codders and then reposed in the tub together, drinks in our hands, water gently caressing our limbs. . . Let’s end this month’s lecture with that tender thought, shall we? Next time: Tequila!

Send in your stories, tales, and recipes of the current liquor (i.e. tequila) being reviewed by Lollipop, and we’ll include them in our further research reports. Don’t be shy, give us your dirt!

*Attributed to Austin Nash