Liquor Lecture
by Lex Marburger
With public interest in mind, we offer a Lollipop guide to Liquor. Please note: We are trained professionals and the “experiments” that follow were not attempted by “casual” drinkers. Lollipop assumes no responsibility for the actions of any drunk person, including its own staff. And ask Mom first, okay?
Tequila
“Tequila makes me want to dance like Pee Wee Herman”
– William Ham
Stealthily, we approach a volatile drink. Tequila is one of the few liquors that, when brought to a party, arouses a universal groan. “Oh, man! You’re not gonna drink that, are you?” Everyone has some sort of story to tell about this stuff. The night they set their neighbor’s lawn on fire, the night they threw up while kissing their girlfriend, the night when it became a challenge to keep breathing. Oh yes, there is a stigma associated with tequila, a vague sense of danger one gets when the smoky smell drifts upward from the shot glass. Next to Scotch, it’s one of the more “macho” drinks, but is easily tamed when doused with citrus. Funny how tequila in straight shots, given to so much horror and cringing, seems like nothing in Margaritas, Tequila Sunrises, or other “Mexican” mixed drinks. Why is that?
The taste of tequila (the good stuff, that is) is like smoky, mellow venom, softly abrasive to the tongue, and difficult to swallow if kept in the mouth for too long. The brutal and savage taste is undoubtedly the reason why almost no one will shoot the stuff without doing the “tequila waltz” or “three step”: Salt, Shot, Lime.
The lower grade the booze, the more added ingredients you need. Kathryne Atterbury showed me a brand while I was in Maryland, called Dos Reales. Although it sells for about $26, it’s worth the price. This is the smoothest tequila I’ve ever had, like sunshine, with a serious kick, of course. It’s pure Agave, not mixed with anything, unlike most other tequila (even Cuervo 1800). And speaking of Agave… let’s not forget tequila’s younger brother, Mezcal. It’s the one with the worm.
Ah yes, the worm. Bogus in the US, the origin is that the worm ate flowers from an Agave cactus, which is psychedelic (it’s also known as peyote). So, after getting blasted on the booze, you down the worm and trip out. You have to go South of the border to get that stuff, and it’s illegal to bring back, so pack your bags!
How does it make you feel? Well, in the beginning, you don’t even realize you’re drunk. Filled with bright energy, you feel like you can do anything. Dance all night, climb a mountain, catch a bullet in your teeth. After a while, this has the potential to turn either maniacally happy or hideously ugly. Paranoia may set in, and fights will undoubtedly follow. As Valerie Smith so aptly put it, tequila “tends to bring out the angry Mexican in people.” If the feelings of violence or ecstasy pass, the drunk then turns sloppy. I suggest you pass out around then, because you won’t be able to stand, you’ll pour your heart out to strangers, and you’ll be puking like there’s no tomorrow.
But there’s a good side to drinking tequila. Valerie reminded me (as if I could ever forget!) about a truly amazing way to drink tequila. It’s known as a Body Shot, and it takes two (or more) people to accomplish. First, choose a body part on your partner and squeeze some lime juice on it, sprinkle some salt and then take a shot, and suck the salt/lime mixture off the body part. Then, your partner does the same to you. Get creative, but remember that lime juice can burn. Done properly, Ms. Smith says it can be “sensually sustained until slowly surrendering into steamy, sticky, salty, sex.” Whew!
Next time: The official Lollipop booze, Rum!
Send in your stories, tales and recipes of the current liquor (i.e. rum) being reviewed by Lollipop, and we’ll include them in our further research reports. Have fun!
