Liquor Lecture
by Lex Marburger
illustration by Chris Sherman
It has come to the attention of Lollipop that many of our readers enjoy imbibing an alcoholic liquid every now and again (and again…). In the public interest, we offer a Lollipop guide to Liquor. Please note: We are trained professionals and the “experiments” that follow were not attempted by “casual” or “social” drinkers. Lollipop assumes no responsibility for the actions of any drunk person, including its own staff. And ask Mom first, okay?
Old Wives Tales: Part One
Folk tales abound about drinking, from hangovers to the quickest way to get drunk, most with a handy little rhyme, so you’ll be able to remember it after you’re a few sheets to the wind. The traditional lore this month to wallow in is the ever-classic:
Beer before Liquor, never sicker.
Liquor before Beer, never fear.
Now the question I had was, Is this true or does it just rhyme? With a myriad of alcohols and a bottle of Pepto Bismol, I ventured into the world of mixed drinking.
Night one: Being the ever-masochistic drinker that I am, I decided to begin with the painful choice. So, here at the Lollipop offices, I had my evening meal (the ever-healthful steak and cheese sub) with three ice cold Bass. Then Scott broke out the Gin and Tonics (Gilbeys), and I proceeded to consume an indeterminate number of those. The result? I found myself the proud owner of the Gin Whirlies (more about those lovely effects next issue), accompanied by a vague sense of unease about how I was going to get home that night.
Aftereffects: A sharp pain between the eyes, not unlike a shard of glass piercing the forebrain; cottonmouth; self-loathing.
Night two: Killing off last night’s experiment with several shots of Bourbon (Jim Beam), I ventured out to my favorite watering hole and polished off a couple pints of the pub’s brewery fresh IPA. A rather pleasant buzz soon emerged, and lasted most of the night. It was very low key, mellow. I read an Anne Rice book, fell asleep.
Aftereffects: Negligible.
Night three: Big Friday bash with live shows and clubbing afterwards. Started out with three Margaritas, followed by two beers at the show, and then multiple G&T’s at the club. I can’t remember how I got home.
Aftereffects: I slept until 6:00 PM; felt like I was going to die.
Night four: Took the night off.
Aftereffects: A powerful thirst.
Night five: Another big one. Big Mexican party. I started at noon with a six of Dos Equis, followed later that night with shots of Dos Reales Tequila. In no time, I was dancing on the tables, dancing with a coat rack, swinging from the chandelier.
Aftereffects: Groggy; what felt like a needle in the back of my neck; derision from my peers.
Conclusions: The phrase is true, but not because of any weird chemical reaction. If you’re going to drink liquor first, you probably don’t want to do shots to start out. You’ll get buzzed on a few mixed drinks, then possibly progress to drinking it straight. You can then sustain the drunk on beer, which won’t have the intensely concentrated effects of a shot, and fills you up more, so you don’t actually drink as much. However, if you begin the evening with beer, you’ll get pretty toasty, gradually sliding into the drunk, and then once you’re there, you have the tendency to enhance the drunk with “a few” shots, or mixed drinks, or specialty drinks (Suffering Bastard, Red Death, Sex on Mars). Undoubtedly, you’ll drink too much, since you’ve already dulled your senses and lost judgment capabilities. It’s all a matter of timing.
Damn, those old wives are pretty sharp.
Heard a good story about drinking but too scared to try it? Send in your anecdotes, dubious advice and other war stories to Lollipop, and we’ll include them in future reports. Until then, Bottoms up!
