Corn Syrup
by Jeff Williams
illustration by RAchelle
Today I am concerned about this Corn Syrup.
Each morning as the bus I ride slips onto Highway 99, I absent-mindedly notice an obscure industrial facility known as “The Corn Sweetener Transfer Facility” nestled in amongst the many other industries in Seattle’s undesirable underbelly near First Avenue South. There is always a line of large tanker trucks waiting to be filled with that most innocuous-seeming substance, Corn Syrup. It wasn’t until this morning that I realized these trucks were from a multiplicity of companies involved in all aspects of the food industry, several of which are probably arch-competitors. The Pepsi trucks seem to be the most thirsty. Slowly, a vague yet sickening feeling of dread began to creep into my consciousness: Corn Syrup could be THE perfect vehicle for any evil force bent on World Domination. Think about it – Corn Syrup is in EVERYTHING! Corn Syrup knows no political boundaries. Corn Syrup discriminates against no man, woman, or child, regardless of race, creed, or social mores. Should the Forces of Darkness contaminate the Corn Syrup supply with one of their mind-control substances, at, let’s say, some nearly invisible and unregulated place such as…THE SEATTLE CORN SWEETENER TRANSFER FACILITY… power would be almost instantaneously transferred around the world, hidden within thousands and thousands of products. No corner of the civilized world would escape its insidious penetration. Every can of soda, every sweet, every condiment consumed from that moment forward would thrust its unsuspecting consumer into Evil’s icy grip. The scope of this conspiracy is shattering: from the The “Family” Farmer (i.e. “The Cell”) and the Fifth Column Corn Belt and its toadies, The United States Congress and The Department of Agriculture, to the Teamsters and their enslaved long-haul truckers, to Stevedores, Shipping Magnates, Madison Avenue, Wall Street, Pennsylvania Avenue, 10 Downing Street, Tiannamen Square, The Vatican, The Tabernacle, the UN and its lackey the World Bank, the “Mom and Pop” store on the corner and the 7-11 across the street, the Mexican Bicycle Vendor and his Comrades on every corner of the globe, Saskatchewan, South Africa and Sao Paulo, the bottle of Heinz ketchup on the mess table of a US Navy Trident Submarine1000 leagues under the sea and packed with enough juice to cremate all of creation! Can we really be so naive as to think that the mighty Soviet Union fell apart at the mere threat of a costly arms buildup from a man in the early stages of Alzheimer’s, or was something much more insidious at work, such as opening up a little crack in the trade dam to a few insignificant companies known as MCDONALD’S and THE COCA-COLA CORPORATION!!!???
Wake Up, People! There’s so little time!
I gotta go get a Mountain Dew.
