Liquor Lecture – Gin – Column

Liquor Lecture

by Lex Marburger
illustration by Chris Sherman

It has come to the attention of Lollipop that many of our readers enjoy imbibing an alcoholic liquid every now and again (and again…). In the public interest, we offer a Lollipop guide to Liquor. Please note: We are trained professionals and the “experiments” that follow were not attempted by “casual” or “social” drinkers. Lollipop assumes no responsibility for the actions of any drunk person, including its own staff. And ask Mom first, okay?

Gin

We’ve reached the point in these little excursions in inebriation where the liquors in question are not generally accepted. I mean, of course, the bottle that is always the most full by the end of the night, Gin. Those blessed Juniper Berries can make a jock wince at twenty yards, and can cut through any mixed drink with the greatest of ease. The bitter, painfully green flavor of gin lends itself best to alcoholics – ahem – I mean sophisticates, those who say, “What? It doesn’t taste that bad,” as they grimace down another swallow.

The thing is, though, after a few (dozen) Gin And Tonics (practically the only way I drink the stuff), they really don’t taste too bad. Add some lime, a lot of ice, give it a few sips, and you’ll find that while it doesn’t go down exactly smoothly, you get used to it.

The real pleasure of Gin (or at least G&T’s) is its power to plow through the most humid of weather, to cut through the heat, and offer a soothing chill to the brain. I would consider it equal in personal barometer to a Mint Julep (although my grandfather is probably rolling in his grave right now). I think the only other reason to drink Gin is for the drunk, or more properly, the buzz before the drunk.

A Gin buzz is a surprisingly pleasant thing, light, airy, and somehow easy enough to focus in. Even if you babble on for hours about nothing, your thoughts are still rather clear. Unlike Rum or Bourbon, which tend to weigh you down and make you sluggish after the initial inhibition burning, Gin stays buoyant, keeping you afloat as you desperately struggle to finish your monthly column that’s over a week late. The only problem with a buzz like this is the erroneous assumption that you can keep it going with studious application of more Gin. This leads to the drunk, and that is when you encounter the most insidious aspect of Gin… The Gin Whirlies.

Ah, yes! That terrible strapped-on-a-helicopter-blade feeling where nothing will stay still, your equilibrium completely tweaked, trying your hardest to walk a straight line. You think it’ll go away if you just sit down for awhile, but no. The room spins even when you’re sitting. And don’t even think about trying to get some sleep. The room churns, does flip-flops, and usually catapults you into the bathroom, heaving your guts into the nearest porcelain receptacle. Is there a solution to this conundrum? Thankfully, yes, courtesy of my sainted mother, Carol Godfrey Marburger.

She’s had her own experiences with Gin, and I’m happy to say that she made it through with no ill side effects. Anyway, she found a trick for sleeping with The Whirlies that is simple and easy. When you lie down, put one hand on the wall and one foot on the floor. This gives your body a sense of spatial perspective, and invariably stops The Whirlies dead in their tracks. Granted, your bed has to be somewhere near a wall and a floor for this to be effective, but if you don’t mind scratching up your floor, this is a perfect remedy. Thanks Mom! Stay tuned for a preview of the upcoming smash hit, Things To Do In Boston When You’re Drunk..

Do you have any ideas for upcoming Lectures? I seem to be running out of Liquors. Send your ideas and they’ll be used in future issues of Lollipop. Remember, it’s a good sign if you can’t feel your toes.