Liquor Lecture
by Lex Marburger
illustration by Chris Sherman
It has come to the attention of Lollipop that many of our readers enjoy imbibing an alcoholic liquid every now and again (and again…). In public interest, we offer a Lollipop Guide to Liquor. Please note: We are trained professionals and the “experiments” that follow were not attempted by “casual” or “social” drinkers. Lollipop assumes no responsibility for the actions of any drunk person, including its own staff. And ask Mom first, okay?
I’m takin’ the month off. I pulled this off the Internet, and I don’t know who wrote it, so anyone can take credit for it if they want to. Ladies, Gentlemen, various intoxicated beasts, I present to you…
Five Stages of Drinking
LEVEL 1: It’s 11:00 on a weeknight, you’ve had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your unemployed friends. Here at Level One you think to yourself, “Oh come on, this is silly. Why, as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I’m cool.”
LEVEL 2: It’s midnight. A few more beers. You’ve just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at Level Two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you’re thinking, “Hey! I’m out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snap fingers), I’m cool.”
LEVEL 3: One in the morning. You’ve abandoned beer for tequila. You’ve just spent 20 minutes arguing for artificial turf. Now you’re thinking, “Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen!” At Level Three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies (“Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.”). But at Level Three, that devil is a little bit bigger… and he’s buying. You’re thinking “Oh, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep… and a complete blood transfusion (snap fingers), I’m cool.”
LEVEL 4: Two in the morning. The devil is bartending. For last call, you order a bottle of rum and a Coke. You are artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar, just because you don’t like his face. And now you’re thinking, “Our busboy is the best looking man I’ve ever seen.” You and your friends decide to leave (right after you get thrown out) and one of you knows an… all together now… after hours bar. And here, at Level Four, you actually think to yourself, “Well… as long as I’m only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well… STAY UP ALL NIGHT! Yeah! That’d be good for me. I don’t mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I’ll turn that around, make it work for me. Besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow… (snap)… cool.”
LEVEL 5: Five in the morning. After unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor (“But I don’t even know anybody named Ruby!”), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as that morning. It’s the kind of place where even the devil is saying, “Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell at nine. I’ve got that brunch with Hitler, I can’t miss that.” At this point, you’re all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, “Someday I’m gonna marry that girl!” One of your friends stands up, screams, “WE’RE DRIVIN’ TO VEGAS!!” – and passes out. You crawl outside for air, and hit the worst part of Level Five: The Sun. You weren’t expecting that, were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar into daylight, and see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you, and they know. And they say, “Who’s Ruby?” Let’s be honest, if you’re 16 and you stay up all night, it’s like a victory, you’ve beaten the night, but if you’re 30, then that sun is God’s flashlight. We all say the same prayer then: “I swear, I will never do this again, (how long?) as long as I live!” And some of us have that little addition, “and this time, I mean it!”
At this point, I’ll print almost anything you guys send in about drinking. A piece on the chemical structure of the Ethyl alcohol molecule? A retrospective on Bukowski, or Waits, or your uncle the sot? Go for it!
