Liquor Lecture

by Lex Marburger
illustration by Chris Sherman

It has come to the attention of Lollipop that many of our readers enjoy imbibing an alcoholic liquid every now and again (and again…). In the public interest, we offer a Lollipop guide to Liquor. Please note: We are trained professionals and the “experiments” that follow were not attempted by “casual” or “social” drinkers. Lollipop assumes no responsibility for the actions of any drunk person, including its own staff. And ask Mom first, okay?

Enjoyable comments from our readers and others:

I’m so glad I’ve been getting responses from our readers about these Lectures. This means I don’t have to do as much work. I’ve also found another invaluable resource: The Web. Now the computer does my research for me. So here we go:

Jessica Dennis has a rather interesting drinking game called “Bar Fly.” To wit: Get a copy of the movie Barfly (Mickey Rourke, Faye Dunaway). Every time Mickey drinks, so do you. By the time you have finished the movie, you have completely forgotten the plot (there’s a plot?).

A pint of Vodka is awarded to Gregory Supin for being the first to correctly identify the chemical composition of the ethyl alcohol molecule, C17H19NO3. Wait, that’s morphine… I’m sorry, he wrote CH3Ch2OH. Of course, it’s not a free pint, I’m not made of money, you know. Bonus points for sending in an essay on the Russian singer Vladimir Vysotsky (notice the word “sot” in his name?), as well as his challenge/mockery of the US – “Russia is a space of total binges and orgies; American drinking seems to be a light toy and fond tickling when thinking about the Russian way of drinking.” The gauntlet has been thrown.

Rachel Einziger contributed something rather interesting (although I’m not sure I trust her sensibilities. She prescribes a hangover cure that involves a TV dinner with turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes, peas, stuffing and cranberry sauce, and aging and obese porn star Ron Jeremy). She calls it:

Games for Young Adult Alcoholics

Using the Point System: Have you hit your sub-bottom?

• 1. You see a half-empty 40-oz. in the trash on Sunday morning (meaning it has been sitting there all night), and you grab it and run back to your room for that early morning buzz. (6 pts.)

2. You have sexual fantasies about Captain Morgan from Captain Morgan’s Rum. (3 pts., 7 if they involve kitchen utensils or an MX missile)

3. You go down on strange people nightly because with your drunken lack of verbal skills, it’s easier than civilized conversation. (5 pts. per person, 7 if you swallow)

4. You were so drunk you can’t remember your band’s gig last night. (7 pts.)

5. What? I’m in a band? (9 pts.)

6. You routinely collapse in crowded places because you think the floor is moving. (3 pts., 7 if you don’t wear underwear so everyone gets a good crotch shot)

7. It feels so strange to wake up some mornings and not be hungover that you must beat your head against the wall repeatedly in order to be able to function. (7 pts.)

8. You pass out in your room at 5 a.m. and somehow manage to puke on all four sides of your bed in the next hour. (5 pts., 8 if you hit the AA pamphlet)

9. You drink Keystone Light because it costs less and you are a weight conscious alcoholic. (3 pts.)

10. You drink warm Keystone Light on purpose so you will never have to share (goddamn it, you’re not just an alcoholic, you’re a selfish alcoholic!). (6 pts.)

11. You fail to hand in your articles to your editor on time because you accidentally puked all over them after last night’s party. (5 pts.)

Add up all of your points. What do they mean? If you scored a 1 or higher, it means it’s time for another drink. Warm Keystone Light, here I come!

Truly, the best Drinking Game I found was on the Web, by
hin9@quads.uchicago.edu (T. Rev). It’s called “Postmodernism,” and it goes like this:

RULE ONE: If anyone at any time, for any reason believes in, supports, or likes a person, place, or idea, it’s only because they haven’t uncovered the fundamental contradictions underlying it and you are allowed to laugh at them because they are Less Jaded than you.

QUALIFICATION ONE: If everyone disbelieves in, attacks, or dislikes a person, place, or idea, it’s only because they haven’t uncovered the fundamental contradictions underlying that disbelief, and you may support that person, place, or idea, and you are allowed to laugh at the other players because they are Less Perceptive than you.

COROLLARY: Anyone who explains the rules is an ANNOYING FUCK.

That’s all for now. Have fun! And remember the words of Will Tarant, “When In doubt, toast Tibet. Let’s face it, they could use the help.”

If you have any responses or have generated any ideas relating to these Lectures, send them to Lollipop, and I’ll see if I can use them in future issues. And remember, it’s no fun until you can’t remember where you are!