Garbage Pail
Communication Breakdance
by Scott Hefflon
Tonight at The Coco Puff, the pop/punk cover band Hüsky Düdes will open the doors for falsetto-core heavyweight “Fat” Mike Tyson’s stellar new band C3POëd. The show is expected to sell-out, despite millionaire Mike’s intentions not to. Also scheduled to perform are the trend-setting male stripshow Stag Wagön, who recently hired Norman Taberknackall’s choir to sing their quadrillion-layered harmonies, and Nërd Hürter, the band famous for kicking the final shreds of crap out of ex-Van Hailin’ Anew singer Sam Hägar the Hörrible. The show, The First Annual Umlaut Fest, is being heavily promoted by YROK’s “Dead DJ Alicia Cööper” (oops, that’s Hooper, Hooper!) whose sober side-project, Goth parody retro performance troupe Marilyn Dancin’, has received rave reviews by rock writers who’ve never been to a real rave and pre-pubescent “troupies” who go ga-ga for the skinny deep shucking of the schlock shysters.
In other news, vital idol Leo Nard Doe de Cappucino and troubled-looking “Don” John Juan Dep gelled beautifully in the sexy romantic drama Pretty Men. The film is being lauded as “hotter than any scene ‘Grandpa’ Gere and his whore-bitch girlfriend coulda mustard” (sic) by quotable crits Cisco and Dilbert. The newly-formatted cinema slamathon, Opposable Thumbs, is geared (no pun intended) towards “dickhead dweeboids who actually pay inflated ticket prices and line up like it’s an Offspring club gig instead of a big-budget log of Hollycrap that’ll be on cable soon anyway.” The Cisco Kid further emphasized, “if you’re looking for the ‘feel-good movie of the year’ or sumthin’, watch Debi Diamond Does Danvers en masse (a small town in the 508 area code north of Boston).”
The latest news sample looping the scene is Isaidsomething Noisiboutem‘s Blitzen’s lawsuit against Nihilism Sells‘ Terrence Trent Razor. Blitzen claims he was the original industrial pioneer, and has business cards to prove it. Citing segments of TTR’s recent soundtracks, the Sven Sieve (the artist formerly know as Mogul Jackson) choreographed production of Natural Born Thrillers, and now-reunited Dokken guitarist George Lynch’s Lost By The Way, as direct liftings from his Workshop Days Revisited release, Blitzen has teamed up with former Rain D’ere members Dan Sur and Pran Sur (now notorious on New York’s Gay bar circuit) and glam-rocker-turned-porn-scarlet Vixxxen. But the most famous of all, “Rude Rudy” Dolph has not been seen since his rapid climb to stardom, and his subsequent plummet into alcoholism. He warranted Beatty Ford treatment, but like most prima Madonnas, he exploited his habits for the sake of artistic obscurity.
