Sarre-Chasm – It’s Not Such A Wonderful Life – Column

Sarre-Chasm

It’s Not Such A Wonderful Life:
A Throwaway Christmas Classic for the Entire Family

by Jon Sarre
Illustration by Timothy Walker

Scene: The office of GLOBAL TRANS-INTERNATIONAL RECORDS AND PETROLEUM BY-PRODUCTS President I.G. CANSTATA. He is at his desk, conferring with SLOV HAILLEY, the goateed and tattooed lead singer for one of Global’s most successful alternative rock artists, THE BLEEDING ULCERS.

SLOV: I’m real excited about the stuff we’ve been working on lately. I mean, I feel I’ve really matured as a songwriter. The new record is gonna…

CANTSTATA: That’s what I wanted to talk to you about, Slov, the new album.

SLOV: I’ve got the perfect producer in mind, you know that guy who…

CANTSTATA: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, Slov. You and the boys have made the corporation a lot of money. Your first album, The Unbearable Pain and Agony of the Bleeding Ulcers defied all expectations. It was a monster, just huge. And the follow-up, Shock Therapy For Your Heart, once radio and MTV got behind it, paid for that factory in Indonesia. The thing is, your latest disc, Supermodel X-Change, just didn’t meet our sales projections.

SLOV: Well, you know, I think people weren’t quite ready for it. That’s art, right?

CANTSTATA: Sure, I respect that, don’t get me wrong, but forecasting is predicting the downward trend in (looks at chart on desk) “grunge (sic) derived rock (‘hard rock’ sub-heading 2B)” to continue. Unfortunately, this gives me no other choice but to decline to re-sign the Bleeding Ulcers. I’m sorry. This is not an easy decision for me, especially during the holidays.

SLOV: But what about me? I’ve got habits to maintain!

Scene: The bathroom of the Hollywood Hills mansion SLOV purchased from Kip Winger in 1993. SLOV is in the tub, preparing what appears to be an unusually large dose of unusually pure heroin for injection. An empty Jack Daniels bottle is on the floor by the foot of the tub.

SLOV: At least this way I’ll be immortal, heh, heh. They can’t take that away from me. Hey, that could be a song! Oh well. (He prepares to fix himself up.) Good-bye, you cold, cold world! (He shoots the dope into his arm. He lays back in the tub and soon nods off. Fade out.)

Scene: SLOV’s bathroom, twenty minutes later. SLOV is still in the tub, his eyes are closed. A hand slapping the side of his face brings him back to consciousness. His eyes slowly open.

SLOV: What… where…?

VOICE: Whoh, hey, I thought I lost you there!

SLOV: What the fuck! What are you some kind of asshole or somethin’? Hey, (his eyes widen in recognition) aren’t you Kenny Loggins?

KENNY LOGGINS: Yes I am, Slov, but for our purposes, let’s just say I’m your guardian angel.

SLOV: Guardian angel? I didn’t know you were dead.

LOGGINS: (laughs) Well, I’m not, but careerwise, well, the soundtrack work has kind of slipped off, seems like everyone goes with Danny Elfman nowadays, but “I’m Alright,” I still “cut loose, footloose” now and then.

SLOV: Uh, great, but what’s the deal with savin’ my life? I planned to OD, it’s my right. I never asked to be born, man!

LOGGINS: Not so fast, Slov. What would the world be like if there were no Slov Hailley?

SLOV: I dunno…

(Dissolve)

Scene: A shopping mall, decorated for Christmas, circa 1987. Teenagers mill back and forth; all are dressed like extras for an old Mötley Crüe video: loads of hair, tight jeans, airbrushed denim jackets, makeup, etc. A record store is visible. SLOV and KENNY LOGGINS appear by the store’s entrance.

SLOV: (Looking around) Big fucking deal, we’re at a mall, late ’80s, I’d say. Great trick, Kenny. Can I go home now and OD some more?

LOGGINS: Not so fast, Slov. This is important. (Smiles) Hey, there’s CD Ghetto, what d’yeh say we take a look around?

SLOV: I don’t know, what if someone recognizes me? These places can be hell once you’ve been on MTV. I’m sure you had the same problem at one time… (He feels around for his sunglasses and then realizes he’s totally naked.)

LOGGINS: Remember Slov, you’ve never been born.

SLOV: I keep forgetting, I am naked though.

LOGGINS: Hmm, maybe we should stop by the Gap first.

(Ten minutes later, SLOV and LOGGINS reappear. Slov is outfitted entirely in Gap basics.)

SLOV: God! I’m dressed like a dyke!

LOGGINS: It’s called unisex, Slov. Come on.

They enter the record store.

Scene: CD Ghetto. Evidence of Glam Metal abounds. Great White, Slaughter, Poison, and Warrant posters line the walls. The new Whitesnake album is heard in the background.

SLOV: (Looking around suspiciously) This is sorta creepy, like a flashback. The music, though, it sounds different, but familiar at the same time…

LOGGINS: It’s the new Whitesnake album, Slov.

SLOV: But how come I didn’t hear this years ago? I can remember when they were big.

LOGGINS: Because it was released last week.

SLOV: Which would’ve been like a decade ago. Hmm, (looks at CD racks) I didn’t know Extreme made that many albums.

LOGGINS: I hear they’re working on Pornograffiti 12 right now…

SLOV: Wow, you’re really out of touch! They broke up years ago. Their lead singer’s in Van Halen now.

LOGGINS: No they didn’t, and no he isn’t, Slov. Look at the copyright date on that Enuff Z’nuff CD…

SLOV: No, it can’t be, 1997? But how? How did this crap stay popular? How?

LOGGINS: You weren’t there, Slov. You weren’t there to show the kids of America that depression, angst, and crowd surfing are more constructive than teased hair, power ballads and muscle cars. You weren’t around to spark the growth of the tattoo and useless piercing industry. You did not exist, so these kids (gestures around him) don’t know their planet’s a worthless cesspool, their parents sedate them, and personal private pain can be universal, trendy even.

SLOV: No! No! No! It can’t be!

LOGGINS: It is, Slov, it is.

SLOV: Well, at least we missed out on New Country…

LOGGINS: No we didn’t, that’s Garth Brooks’ nightmare.

SLOV: I see, uh… I was wrong, Kenny, I wanna live! I wanna live! Hey, that could be a song…

LOGGINS: Okay then…

(Dissolve)

Scene: A street running along a boutique strip mall, 1997. SLOV is alone, gazing at the store windows.

SLOV: Yes, yes! The present! The real present! I’m alive! Alive! Hello you big beautiful Boston Market! Hello dear old Starbucks Coffee! (He begins to run down strip) I love you, Barnes and Noble Booksellers! Tower Records Superstore, you don’t know how I’ve missed you! Blockbuster Video! I’ll return that movie, I promise! I missed you all! I even missed you, TCBY Yogurt! And… and… and (he stops running) Um… er… uh… Where can I get some dope around here?

Fade Out… Roll Credits

Merry Christmas.