Hepcat
Right on Time (Hellcat)
by Margo Tiffen
I went to the doctor today – my ears were infected and all I could hear was this horrible low buzzing that sounded like pickituphuhhuhpickituphuhhuh. After a thorough examination, my doctor sighed heavily and put his hands on my shoulders. After a long, worried silence he told me, “My little rude girl, dear, sweet little rudegirl… In all my years of practicing medicine, I have never seen such an advanced case of skapunkdacitis. Now, I have warned you many a time about subjecting yourself to those inbred cretins who claim themselves practitioners of the ska. There is nothing more threatening to your health and sanity than mixing the holy golden ska with half-baked Beasties-style blurtings and uninspired chugging guitars. Not to mention that newfangled god-awfully terrifying virus of jumping up and down at ska shows that’s been going around. You have exposed yourself to these evils once too often and it has taken its toll. You are wearing your life and your mind thin with these watery ‘stylings.’ There is one thing, and one thing only that can save you and that is the mighty Hepcat.”
My doctor is a wise and caring man, and when he handed me the prescription, I took it. Before I could thank him, he pushed me out of his office, urging me towards Hellcat with utmost haste. At the Hellcat pharmacy I found all manner of top-quality cure-alls, but the pharmacist assured me that Hepcat was the one most suited to my needs. “It’s potent stuff,” he said, “just be careful – side effects such as fever and mild euphoria may occur.” I went home and immersed myself in a warm bath of liquid Hepcat. Active ingredients – honey-smooth vocals, sun-ripened horns, traditional Jamaican ska, large doses of rocksteady, sweet jazz, and swing. A wintry frigid night and visions of toasty white beaches were dancing through my head. I almost thought I heard a wickedly delightful challenge to Stubborn Allstar King Django’s Open Season in the air. I have to call my doctor. I think I may have overdosed… I’m hot, so hot.
