Garbage Pail

Marilyns Don’t Fear the Reaper

by Jamie Kiffel
illustration by Rich Mackin

The ultimate glam-Goth-rock union has been established. It followed Marilyn Manson’s swallowing a color contact which dissolved in his blood and settled behind his irises in uneven levels, resulting in a rare ocular condition, necroptica nastigmatism.

It seems, however, that the lens cleaner ingested with the lens reacted with heavy buildup of black #1 dye found soaked into Manson’s cerebral tissue, creating an amalgam not unlike arsenic, which distributed throughout his body and rendered him deranged. Bizarrely, an unexpected chemical reaction between his clothing detergent and the contact lens created a new agent whom Manson promptly hired and did quite well by.

But lonely and repeatedly reaching dead-ends upon searching for lively performance ideas, Manson consulted a round fortune teller, which was intended to elicit advice when filled with a viscous liquid. She was of little help, so he tried a Ouija board. During a rousing game of Spin-the-Oracle, Manson asked it the name of his future wife – inexplicably, each time it pointed to him. Manson was baffled until the oracle emitted a squeak akin to an exasperated sigh, then spelled out “M A R I L Y N.” It was eventually established that the board’s search engine was set to “All items listed in death-ending order.” It was also established that the board did not have a speech impediment.

The local burial counselor asserted that there was no written ruling countering necro con mortus, though it might trouble some ecto-clause about dual naming after death (necro con nom). Anton LaVey was unavailable for comment at press time.

Marilyn Manson Monroe and Marilyn Manson look forward to a dark and acrid-smelling future. Unfortunately, bits of the bride have been missing since the honeymoon. Remnants of the nuptial feast are being analyzed by local police.