Garbage Pail

Samantha Fox to Join Spice Girls

by Matt Sullivan
illustration by Dave Dawson

After over a year with only four Spice Girls, the popular British brand have finally found a replacement who can fill the expansive bra of the departed Ginger Spice, a.k.a. Geri Halliwell.

Her name: S-s-s-amantha Fox!

“We’re truly happy to have Samantha join the group,” beamed Emma “Baby Spice” Bunton, via faxed press release, “Her song ‘Naughty Girls (Need Love, Too)’ is a girl power anthem, a manifesto/mission statement set to a throbbing electrofunk beat.”

“We’ve had a void since Ginger left,” added Melanie “Scary Spice” Chisholm. “But with Samantha’s vocal presence – and huge tits – that void has been filled.”

“It’s keen that we got someone who already has the accent,” added Sporty Spice. “Plus, I remember watching her on ‘Top of the Pops’ back when I was still in me knickers.”

Like Ginger, who left the group to try to become a dubious fusion of Princess Diana and Shirley Bassey, Fox is British, got her big break when she posed topless as a “Page Three Girl” in the London newspaper The Sun, has appeared nude in Playboy, and frequently lies about her age. Her long-time producers, the Jheri-curled steroid users Full Force, will also join the Spice payroll.

Some critics question the wisdom of adding the 33-year-old Fox to the group. “What’s her name going to be, Old Spice?” quips Nigel Rutherford, a closeted gay gossip columnist with The London Diddler, “Or better yet, since she’s replacing ‘Ginger’ Spice, how about ‘Mrs. Howell’ Spice? In a couple of years, she’ll be ‘Saggy Spice!'”

Fox, who spoke to Lollipop from a pay-phone at The Baja Banana Gentlemen’s Club where she is appearing in a “burlesque song and dance type of thing,” blanched at such skepticism.

“I’ll tell ya what I want, what I really want,” the newly-christened “Foxy Spice” said, “I wanna have some fun – move my body all night long!”

Fox expressed joy that the Spice Girls’ core audience of 8-year-old girls will soon be lip-syncing along to such classic message-filled lyrics as ” Touch me, touch me – I wanna feel your body!” and “(Hurt me! Hurt me!) But The Pants Stay On.” Fox is also amped at the prospect of “another generation of lads wanking to my jugs.”