Fi “On an” Apple
World-renowned Music/Theatre/ Film/Media Critic Jean-Paul Bavard met recently with controversial Singer/Songwriter Fiona Apple for an exclusive interview at Petulance, Jean-Paul’s favorite posh Soho bistro. They discussed Apple’s latest album and tour, as well as such important topics as fame, the Internet, love, fashion, and the future of pop music.
Translated from the French by Daniel Davis
illustration by Ans Purins
Jean-Paul Bavard: I am pleased to be dining here at Petulance, a wonderfully fashionable Neo-Ethiopian/pan-Eurasian bistro, with the internationally acclaimed superstar Fiona Apple. At your phenomenally youthful age, you have become tres incredibly famous for your poetic lyrics, your intense music, your insightful awards ceremony acceptance speeches, and for rolling around in a closet in your underwear. You are adored as a mythic iconic goddess by worshipping fans everywhere, yet you are also despised by millions of others. You have sold literally billions of albums in your very short career, and have made history with your groundbreaking videos, which ignited controversy for their obvious homage to low-budget child pornographie. At the same time, you have become romantically linked with Genius Auteur Cinema Filmmaker Derrick Thomas Anderson, the acclaimed director of such award-winning, legendary films as Bogey Knights, and that other one with the frogs that goes on and on and on. Clearly, you have been the center of much attention and controversy around the world throughout the course of your brilliant yet brief career. Your most recent recording only continues this trend, with its unusual and absurdly long title: “When the Pawn Hits the Jagged Little Pill He Thinks Like Pieces of You In the Downward Spiral of Spirit and Celebrity Skin And the Same Old Crap Stolen From Joni Mitchell Vs. Boys For Pele Who Are Born in the USA But Let It Be Exiled In Guyville Nevermind Thriller Comes Alive 2000.” While many listeners found the title of your album to be confusing, or even pretentious, on the other hand, many other, perhaps more insightful, observers and critics found it to be really dumb. These incredible events all happening so quickly must surely be difficult to process, to deal with, for one so young as yourself. The obvious question then presents itself: are you going to eat the rest of that quiche?
Fiona Apple: Um… no?
Jean-Paul Bavard: Ah, perhaps you will not object to my helping you by taking it from your plate, where it lies uneaten, and then consuming it myself.
Fiona Apple: Sure, help yourself.
Jean-Paul Bavard: Please forgive my forthrightness, but as an investigative journalist, I must not shrink from asking the most uncomfortable of questions. Ca ne fait rien; you have kindly shared your unwanted food morsels with me; I shall make no further comment upon it; and we shall move forward. Now then, as a member of the family that is the world’s second-most-famous computer manufacturer, you are doubtlessly aware of the impact of the Internet on all aspects of contemporary society, and how its emergence has radically altered life for everyone on Earth in so many different and extremely important ways. Your family’s computer empire has played a huge role in this, yet there is little or no mention of this is your poetic, award-winning lyrics. You don’t mind if I have the rest of that bread, do you?
Fiona Apple: No, not at all. But as far as the computer thing goes, my family has nothing to do with Apple computers or anything like…
Jean-Paul Bavard: Once again I thank you for your amazing generosity and kindness. Often, the greatest, most amazingly important superstar celebrities are, in fact, the very most down-to-Earth and friendly as well. For example, I once shared a villa in Morocco with Donatella Versace, Terry Bradshaw, Lisa Marie Presley, and the dumb guy from the American television comedie called Wings. I found them all to be genuine and generous; to be sincere, charming, and erudite dinner companions who would never think to haggle over the last bit of paté or caviar. Although I must confess that Mademoiselle Presley had invited along several American stock car racers, and most of Bon Jovi, who all tended to become quite gauche and irritating when drunk, which they seemed to be constantly. Surely you have encountered similar difficulties in your travels. Although it must be said that there is something quite unique about the Mediterranean resort villas that seems to bring out the worst in certain types of the B-list celebrities. Perhaps it is the climate, no? Things must simply be spinning out of control this time of year in Mykanos, as they always seem to do every year during the festival. I remember so well the time that Elton John and Omar Sharif drank too much cranberry liqueur at Marcelo Mastroianni’s party, and ended up naked in the fountain, shrieking Gilbert and Sullivan tunes at the tops of their lungs. Brigitte Bardot took the most hilarious photos. You, like the incomparable Bardot, are a fanatic advocate for the rights of the animal creatures of the Earth. As an international superstar celebritie, it must be an incredible sacrifice for you to wrap yourself in furs that are not the actual authentic skins and hides of murdered animal creatures. Your fans around the world surely appreciate the sacrifice you make to preserve your principles this way.
Fiona Apple: Yeah, I’m like way into animal rights. I wouldn’t say I’m a fanatic, but I think that…
Jean-Paul Bavard: That is truly a fascinating story. It reminds me of an hilarious anecdote that occurred in a Latin Quarter café, when Andy Warhol, Robert Goulet, Wilt Chamberlain and I had a drinking contest with Albert Camus’ cousin Fifi. Serge Gainsbourg then burst into the café and began accusing us all of spying on him for the fascists, which was secretly ironic, because, as everyone knows, Goulet was an anarchist and would never spy for the fascists. However, Fifi became quite upset, crying hysterically, and had to leave immediately for Marienbad for six months’ recuperation. As I’m sure you are aware, this story eventually became the basis of an experimental documentary film produced by Sid and Marty Kroft in the early 1970s. Unfortunately, no copies of this legendary film remain, as it was never finished, nor even started. Truly, censorship is an horrible thing. You confront the dilemma of censorship in the bold lyrics to your most recent hit single, “My Life Is So Difficult, So Please Buy My CD.” Of course, tout le monde has come to love your trademark feel-good anthems and your happy-go-lucky tuneful ditties. But all artistes must progress and change over the course of their career. As you surely are well aware, to resist change is to stagnate and to die artistically. Therefore, I must ask you, when will Ms. Fiona Apple begin to show us all your much more serious side in your lyrics, and share with your loyal fans more of your deeper thoughts and feelings? Stop holding it in, and tell us how you really feel, baby!
Fiona Apple: Well, it’s interesting that you ask that, because…
Jean-Paul Bavard: Those simply must be Mario Rossi shoes that you are wearing on your feet! Many celebrities prefer Prada, but Rossi is clearly the superior designer of superstar footwear for the 21st century and the new millennium. People whose opinions are different from mine are stupid. Last year, you published your first book of poetry, entitled Roses Are Red, and I’m Cashing In On That Hit Song Now. It seems that this might be the direction that your career may perhaps be heading in. Will you one day make music lovers around the world ecstatic and devote yourself exclusively to writing poems?
Fiona Apple: That wasn’t me, that was Jewel!
Jean-Paul Bavard: Clearly, you are confused and mistaken, but it makes no matter. We shall move ever onward and discuss other important topics and issues. Your music and lyrics are so tres controversial because they touch on sensitive subjects, such as politics, and even Women’s Lib, that many closed-minded and unintelligent listeners cannot or will not choose to deal with. As an example, your songs that deal with complex romantic entanglements are… Ah! Mon Dieu! My God!
Fiona Apple: What? What is it? Is something wrong?
Jean-Paul Bavard: Good God, is that the amazing genius superstar Christina Aguilera over there? Look, look! At that table, eating radicchio! That is her! I must talk to her!
Fiona Apple: Where are you going? Hey, you moron, you left your tape recorder over here! All right, fine, I’m outta here! Jerk.
