Spring Heel Jack
Treader (Thirsty Ear)
by Lex Marburger
How is No-Doz different from a cup of coffee? Is it that illicit feeling of taking a pill, a “drug,” no matter how impotent, for a non-medical reason (i.e. fun)? Could it be that the pill is somewhat harsher in the jittery feeling you get when yer tryin’ ta git some sleep? But even so, coffee does one hell of a job getting the nerves a-jumpin’, what wit da sugar & all. Huh? Ya don’t put sugar in it? Whell, gawd damn! What the hell you drink it for then? Not the taste, by gawd, ‘less yer hooked by the vast Starbucks conspiracy (it all ties into the logo, the ancient rulers of France, and how Jesus gave Mary Magdelene a good shagging. More on that later).
Anyhoo, yer prolly all wired on da caffeene now, and need to get offa dat. So ya crack the bourbon. Now, what’s the difference ‘tween Jack & Jim? Oooh, now the diehards come out of da closet, huh? Grr! Grr! Lemme at thoze damn Jim drinkers! They don’ know shite about the finest whisky in da world, mutherfukers! Whal, whatever gets you high gets ya by, rite? I mean, seriously, who the fuk cares what this gasoline-flavored shite is if it gets ya off? C’mon, kiss & make up. Okay, yer all prolly wondrin’ why I called you in here like this, huh? Whal, it’s to ask what’s the difference in the drum’n’bass ‘lectrinica thing nowadayz. Shiiite, if ya don’t got a personal stake in the whole thang, don’t all these bells, whistles and beeps all kinda merge together? Could you really tell the difference ‘tween, say Supersonic & Crystal Method? Or Eat Static & BT? Yeah, yeah. Don’ gimme that. I meant wi’out lookin’, moron. So whadda’m I supposed to make wit this here Spring Heeled Jack album? I mean, ya got yer skitt’rin beats, yer bottom-heavy bass, yer tweaks’n’pulls of keys to add a little shape, but after that, whaddaya got? Whal, I dunno, I gotta give ’em their… whaddaya call ’em… their “props” cuz they get yer attention & don’t try to overdo it wit esoteric sounds & “more ‘tronic than thou” crap. They gots a smooth feel, a cool vibe & they don’t annoy me enuff to melt their CD into slag. Yeah, theyz got variation, which is enuff to please theze old ears. Hell, lookit me, I’m writin’ in slang so all the kids’ll think I’m one a da ultra-hip or sumptin’!
Now, see here, the electronica kick has faded, so maybe the record co.’s won’t feed us as much crap as they did a few years ago. Spring Heeled is cool enuff, they got what it takes an’ some good shit is goin on here. Shure is a helluva lot better than that last Chem Bros album. Now fuk alla y’all, I’m gonna go choke on some rye.
(274 Madison Ave. #804 New York, NY 10016)
