Lollipop Magazine

Garbage Pail – Family Reunions – Column

September 1, 2000

Family Reunions We’d Hate to See: Paul & Hulk Hogan. George & Hillary Clinton. Shaun & Neal Cassidy.

Three Slices of Summer – Column

September 1, 2000

Waters must’ve read some books on directing because Demented is the most visually expressive of all his output. It’s like he finally decided to stop hating the camera, or separate the camera from the audience, or something.

Garbage Pail – The Right Stuff – Column

June 1, 2000

NASA is also looking into applications of the new drug in reducing the tedium of space travel for their astronauts. The turds appear to be nonaddictive and have no known side effects but, because of their mild psychoactive properties, will be available only by prescription.

Garbage Pail – Names Changed to Protect the Cheesy – Column

June 1, 2000

What’s in a name change? For celebrities that’ve spent years trying to build up name recognition, there’s usually two reasons: Symbolically separating yourself from an embarrassing but lucrative past, or trying to give yourself a veneer of “I’m an adult thespian now” class.

Garbage Pail – Eerie similarities between George Bush and George Bush – Column

June 1, 2000

George Bush was shot down and missing in action for a short time. — While not shot down, George Bush was missing from the National Guard for a whole year.

Garbage Pail – Coming Distractions – Column

June 1, 2000

Hollywood’s self-referential, postmodern meta-madness hits its logical nadir in this parody of the Naked Gun movies. Leslie Nielsen plays Leslie Nielsen playing Frank Drebin, and, upon seeing a stuffed beaver, quips “oh, so this is supposed to be the part where I make some sort of sexual innuendo.”

Garbage Pail – Pancakes of the World, Unite! – Fiction

April 1, 2000

I.D.O.P. (International Dungeon of Pancakes). I.I.O.P. (International Igloo of Pancakes). I.Z.O.P. (International Zoo of Pancakes),

Garbage Pail – Fangs Through Tofu – Fiction

April 1, 2000

Vlados, 247, died Tuesday due to complications related to his refusal to drink blood. Perhaps the most shocking convert to veganism ever, Vlados was converted to the cause by a couple of Birkenstock-wearing potential victims who showed him some persuasive pamphlets.

Garbage Pail – Animal Wrongs – Column

April 1, 2000

It was the taboo topic no one in the animal-rights movement dared discuss – too radical even for the radicals. Yet animal-on-animal violence kills more animals than hunting and scientific experimentation combined.

Oscar Race 2000 – Column

April 1, 2000

When summer is over and Hollywood is finished making its money, things in movieland start to get serious. It’s usually around Labor Day that the Oscar race begins, and it doesn’t come to a stop until all the snow has melted.