The Conundrum of Fun
by Dane M. Donato
illustration by Ans Purins
“Mommy, the Big Bad Wolf just tore Jimmie’s face right off. Can we ride Pirates of the Caribbean now?”
If that isn’t the “Happiest Place in the World” of your memory just keep in mind that Walt’s mega-monstrosity, like Dorian Grey, looks great on the outside, but its soul is rotting and corrupt. Sometimes the truth not only frees us, but horrifies us.
Well, Disney Corporation, you really suck. The motto of the company should be “We Line Our Pockets with Your Souls, ‘Cause We Don’t Have One.” Here’s how it works down at Disney Studios (or Dungeons):
Take our oldest archetypes, dreams, myths and fairy tales.
Drop them in the giant Disney Blender of Crappy Creativity.
Push puree.
Whirrrr! Crunch crunch!
Inject into mold, apply hot steam, and BAM! Out pops a product with MADE BY DISNEY- AREN’T WE CLEVER? stamped forever on its forehead.
What? Cinderella is a Russian folk tale? Nah. Excuse me? Pocahontas really wasn’t some dippy little cartoon, but a real historical figure? No way!
Yes, way.
Well, if you like living on the razor’s edge and really want a memorable vacation, I know just the place. A place that reflects the true nature of this monster corporation. So update your life insurance, grab your camera and Teflon coat, ’cause we’re going to:
The Most Hideous Place On Earth.
If you have any qualms about taking the kids along, have no fear. As you already know, lawsuits are expensive. Besides, they don’t deliberately put your children at risk, not when they’ll likely talk you into buying another Disney Product. Besides, what kind of place would actually allow little children to be dismembered?
Upon entering the gates, behold! Your map, handed to you by an employee (Charon, according to his name tag, must’a paved over the river), explains that there are all sorts of theme parks within the theme park.
And all sorts of rides in store for you.
We don’t have much time, so we need to orient ourselves, decide which “lands” we want to visit, though they all seem so tempting. Look, there’s Redlight District Land, where you can visit an enticing selection of gaudy houses and taverns, in authentic Barbary Coast style. Those crazy robot trollops are sure excellently proportioned and always satisfy. Fear not, they’re steam-cleaned every night.
And for you parents with kids who are beginning to ask awkward questions, you get off the hook. “Dad and I will pick you up at 5:00 sharp, and don’t bring home any weird diseases, Timmy.” But of course, now sex is a Product of Disney.
Afterward, a drink might be in order. But watch out! They only dispense wood alcohol in those cocktails, which might explain why Morgue Land is so busy.
Exotic adult tastes aside, this is a family kinda place, after all. Fantasy Land¨ sounds like just the ticket for the youngsters. Look, here’s a ride called Alice in Wonderland’s Drug Trip. Be careful you don’t overdose on the morphine the attendants shoot into your vein upon entering that ride, though.
It’s A Small World is one killer ride. Half-way through, those schmarmy-freaky mutant-dwarf robots plunge down into the little boats to mutilate unlucky park goers. Because they’re xenophobic? Or just blood-thirsty? And all the while during this orgy of mayhem they sing that wretched song as blood stains the water. And after 80 or 90 refrains, perhaps death is preferable. Fantasy Land caters to every fantasy, no matter how absurd or grisly.
Mr. Dickens’ Workshop is great. The kids learn all about the Industrial Revolution while having a decent chance of being pulled into the rusty, blood-spattered mills, just like in the good old days. Your kids might like to take a spin on the Carousel of Doom. This sucker travels up to 25 g’s in just minutes, spraying the landscape for miles with the pulped remains of the little tykes.
Let’s stroll through the enchanting Medieval Plague Village, perhaps climb over the putrid corpses for a chance to toss a few coins into the Accursed Wishing Well. And before leaving this fantastic fantasy land, you can run screaming in terror through the centerpiece of this wondrous land, Marquis de Sade’s Castle. Who’s to say which of those blood-curdling screams are real, and which are the result of Disney magic? The torture chamber is amazing, and the many dark, mysterious chambers of pain and pleasure unimagined are each worth sampling.
Just adjacent to the castle is Boschland, medieval damnation at its very best. Gosh, those demons sure look mean and realistic. And those pitchforks aren’t plastic at all, but razor-sharp steel. Stainless steel, of course, ’cause doesn’t blood oxidize iron? And get a load of that boiling lake of blood. Smells wonderful. Care for a dip? Remember, sinners only, so we all qualify.
Well, that wraps up a visit to this wonderful place. You survived. Swell. Now, if you want to make any sense at all of it, ponder this:
Disney isn’t a bloated, greedy corporation after all, but really loves you. They get to rape your pocketbook. And screw with your mind.
They get to butcher your aesthetic taste.
And the best kept secret of all (so be very quiet): They have a special name for their customers.
Chum.
