Dear Editor,

by Patrick Timony
illustration by Mark Reusch

I am a small fat troll of an old lady who enjoys waddling obtrusively down subway platforms in front of educated, good-looking, productive, and adjective-obsessed young men. I’m writing to you as part of my public confession, and to thank the member of your staff who enlightened me solely out of his genuine concern for the betterment of the human race.

For a good part of my old age, since I lost my capability to discern between utilitarianly positive and negative actions, I have wandered the Boston subways daily looking for young productive-looking people to waddle obtrusively in front of in hopes of frustrating them enough to inhibit their productivity, all as part of my plan to metaphorically throw a monkey wrench into the system that supported and nourished me sufficiently to carry me into an old age that I, through my gross stupidity and uselessness, deserve about as much as Mohamar Khadafy deserves the congressional medal of honor.

The other day I was finally, and for the greater good of the human race, both punished for my ridiculousness and assisted to a more productive personal level of existence, by a member of your staff.

Waddling through Park Street station, I saw a young productive-looking young man striding purposefully across the platform. Little did I realize that he was not only a contributor to your magazine, but also a sort of St. Peter to my own personal enlightenment heaven.

As is my wont, I waddled obtrusively in front of him, impeding his progress, both mentally and physically. All of a sudden, out of the goodness and beneficence of fate, the believed-impossible and long-awaited finally happened. That holy beatitude of a man, sent down from my own personal edification heaven, actually took time out of his infinitely more important and productive life to do me a good and ever-to-be-valued favor. He callously kicked me into a subway trench, pulled out a small semi-automatic handgun, and shot me ten times through the head. Needless to say, I was astonished at the brilliance and simplicity of this solution to the problem that I had been causing the world for the last century or so.

I would like to thank providence and fate for people as magnanimous as Patrick Timony, who took the time out of his busy schedule to edify me and prevent any further annoyance I would have caused other young productive people in the future, had I been allowed to live.

And I would also like to thank you, Lollipop, for providing your magazine as a forum for the educational writings of Patrick Timony, my public apology for ever having bothered any member of the human race, and my assurance that the education that Patrick Timony vouchsafed upon me was well received and greatly appreciated.

Burning in Hell and Thankful Because I Deserved It So Much,
Stupid, Fat Old Troll Lady Who Waddled Obtrusively In Front of Patrick Timony