The Spandex Experiment

Punk Bands Reviving 80’s Metal Sweetness (Double Deuce)
by Chaz Thorndike

This Double Deuce compilation of respectable-to-obscure ’90s punk bands covering ’80s metal superhits had about a 1% chance of making it. Unfortunately, it’s not even worth its weight in dogshit as a novelty item. The bands, with very, very few exceptions, don’t even perform their songs with competence equal to the originals (most are not even close), nor do they take them anywhere new or exciting. Most just play the song a bit faster than before, without any of the original nuances, inflecting none of their own signature style (because most have none), and play very badly at that. Whether you’re a fan of “metal” or not (another bitch is that their interpretation of the word “metal” seems to span Bon Jovi through Voivod, and they construct rules about what is and isn’t punk?) you’ll be sure to agree that, while many of the original songs chosen here are dated and kinda silly, at least the bands had talent and style. Oh hell, I might as well do a track by track to illustrate this world of suck for you. Ludwig Klopher‘s cover of Guns ‘N’ Roses’ “Sweet Child of Mine” is played badly on an accordion until he gives up with a loud “Fuck.” Snuka‘s attempt at Ratt’s “Round & Round” makes me almost miss Stephan Piercy’s vocals. Are flat, uninspired vocals and flubbed guitar solos synonymous with punk? If so, check please! Jughead’s Revenge‘s cover of Iron Maiden’s “The Trooper” isn’t bad. The production is impressively similar to the original, the lead guitars duel as per the original, and the monotone, distorted vocals are kinda cool. Replacing the harmonizing screams of a real metal singer are the wimpy falsetto attempts of a singer who growls far better than he sings. While Jughead’s prove themselves to be skilled and versatile (minus the limitations of the singer), what does that really prove? No Fraud‘s mixing of an actual live performance of the Scorpion’s “Rock You Like A Hurricane” with their double-time slopfest of barebones playing and bad accents make one thing clear: most punk bands can’t solo to save their sad excuses for lives. Weston‘s cover of Bon Jovi’s “She Don’t Know Me” makes me actually like the original. God, how does it feel to be so utterly shown up by a puffy-haired posterboy like JBJ? Weston can’t even be dippy and cute well, what bottom is lower? Pet UFO, usually a pretty damn fine punk/rock band, totally fucked up Van Halen’s “Hot For Teacher.” They skipped the drum intro rather than admit their incompetence, destroyed the guitar intro (required learning usually mastered within the first few years of any rock guitarist, or so I thought), and Souci’s vocals were about as mindless as the death throes of a fish out of water. Switching the rhythm guitar part during the solo to “Crazy Train” and “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida” was pretty interesting, but doesn’t compensate for the guitarist not being able to solo his way out of an open paper bag. The Nobodys‘ cover of AC/DC’s “You Shook Me All Night Long” does nothing at all for the original, but I like their brand of sneering suck. Ff covering Stryper’s “Makes Me Wanna Sing” makes me wanna puke. They meant to spoof the song, but instead they are the joke. Why Farside chose to cover TT Quick’s “Metal Man” I can’t understand. An unimportant punk band covering an unimportant metal band’s non-hit… why bother? Dahlia Seed‘s cover of Voivod’s “Missing Sequence” is a pleasant surprise. Voivod ain’t no simple pop metal band, yet all members perform admirably, and the female singer really stands out. She captures the restraint (borderline apathy), and comes close to the kept-in-check aggression of the choppy parts. While not perfect, total bonus points for digging deep. I’ve seen so many metal flakes cover Judas Priest’s “You Got Another Thing Coming,” I’m almost pleased to hear the worst one yet by Sinkhole. I’ve seen high school Battle of the Band losers do it better. How do you screw up something that simple? Parts of Halcion‘s acoustic and breathy cover of Def Leppard’s “Photograph” are kinda cool. When they start to crank it up, you realize they’re all tone-deaf and don’t know how to tune. But hey, interesting start. Walleye falls flat on their face within seconds of trying to get “Over The Mountain.” The drummer saves the day, and the guitarists aren’t especially bad, but this buffoon trying to even sing the notes, much less in the style of Ozzy, is just pathetic. Norman Mailer Group covering L.A. Guns’ “Letting Go” showed the difference between stylistic sloppiness and being just plain bad.

While you may have disagreed with all the warbling vibratos and guitar wanking of the ’80s, at least they could play, write songs we could probably (if properly motivated) sing from memory, and had a sound and identity that was instantly recognizable. These bands (at least on this record) just flat out suck.