Coroner’s Corner
Big Bloody Guys in Speedos
by John Bikowski
illustration by Eric Johnson
Have you ever pondered what would happen if you went up to Steven Seagal and said, “By the way, your wife is bangin’ Jean Claude.” No? Well, what I’m getting at is, if these two combat technicians were pissed off at each other, who would beat the crap out of whom? How about a grudge match between Jackie Chan and Mike Tyson? Perhaps we can convince Jackie that Mike grabbed his Mom’s butt or something. Wouldn’t that be wild? Of course, so I think you should check out the Ultimate Fight Championship series of videos. No, you won’t see any of the above famous “tough guys” but you will see a collection of dudes that could probably (in reality) destroy them. With nine episodes currently available, these tapes have more real violence per show than you have ever seen in a sporting event. And remember, this is a sport. These are all skilled fighters who have trained for years and have proven themselves worthy. You can’t walk in off the street, scream “Let’s kick ass!”, and jump up in the ring.
If you’ve seen that Van Damme movie Bloodsport, then you have a semi-decent idea how things work. The goal is simple; beat the snot out of your opponent before he severely injures you. And if you win, you can heal in luxury with a nice chunk-o-change (usually $50,000) or more. Most importantly, if you are one of the fighters you must remember not to take anyone lightly – everyone is capable of killing you. The basic format is a tournament from which one champion emerges after winning three successive battles. Ways to win are to get your opponent to tap the mat (submit), to knock them out, or to have the referee stop the match because one guy is so mauled he has no clue how to tap the mat. The most difficult obstacle is that you have to house three separate capable fighters to win the title. If you have ever been in a serious fight, just try to remember the adrenaline you shot through and how badly your body hurt after. Now try to imagine that after a short rest period you must fight someone stronger in front of thousands of people and on pay-per-view. These guys are nuts. Suppose you broke your finger on some guy’s head? Tough… go fight someone bigger. Suppose you are deathly out of breath from being choked for 10 minutes and your eyes are burning like hell from all the blood that has run into them? Tough… get out there and kick some ass. You won’t find many pussies performing here.
On occasion, however, a combatant will get injured to the point where they cannot continue. In that case, a fresh alternate is thrown in. For example, in UFC III a White Tiger Kenpo guy named Keith Hackney had to fight a 600-pound Sumo named Emmanual Yarbrough (who incidentally has the biggest jugs I have ever seen). Many viewers thought that Hackney was going to be raw meat, but he stepped up and leveled the big guy with an overhand strike to the nose. Once the mammoth was down, Keith used his fist over and over like a hammer to the skull … Surprise, surprise, he completely busted his hand (big time)! Well, now they are both out so an alternate comes in, only to get choked by the man, Ken Shamrock. I won’t tell you who eventually wins but if you are curious, either rent the videos or check out the web site at http://seg.com/ufc/ufc3.html.
Don’t be shocked if you get addicted to this stuff. Most guys love it, but I haven’t seen too many females say anything but “this is stupid.” Oh yeah, and don’t forget the added bonus that the ring girls are either from Hooters or are Penthouse Pets. Yowza!
