Sometimes I Wonder

by Macaroni McSpoon
illustration by Dave Coscia

I woke up early to get a head start on the day, but it had already started. Time passed. In the fast lane, no less, and I was left choking on its dust. It tasted more like powdered fruit drink than dust, but there was no one to point this out to, so I didn’t. Again time passed. This time, time sauntered by with its tongue stuck out at me. Time is mean. I would have taught it a thing or two about manners, but I wasn’t really up for it. So I got up. I smoked three cigarettes before I finished putting on my jeans. I don’t think it’s an exceptionally difficult task, but my brain hadn’t yet followed my lead and woken up. My motor functions were still procrastinating too. Faulty starter or something perhaps.

Downstairs, the cats were feeling feisty already. They’d probably gotten an early start, from the look of them. They seemed well rested and darted back and forth on important missions. They didn’t take kindly to my attempts at making conversation. In fact, they refused to answer any of my polite inquiries. That’s it; no more kitty treats for them. White Kitty nuzzled up against my shirt as I pet her in all the right places, but that could have been because every time she moved, I tightened my hold under her jaw. Cats don’t have lips, but I’m sure she would’ve lifted one in a snarl at me if she could’ve. I lost interest in the cat and decided to get coffee. White Kitty raced off somewhere, but returned a moment or so later to rub against my leg. All is forgiven when the fridge is open.

My shirt was now covered with white kitty fur. It’s hard to command respect in a place of business with white kitty fur all over you. I went to reprimand the cat for this, but she stared out the window at the birds the whole time I was speaking. I gave her a swat to get her attention, but she wanted to get scratched behind the ears. My cats aren’t really into the S/M thing. Whenever I spank them, it hurts me more than it hurts them. It’s the claws, I think. Cats don’t really have butts to spank anyway. I’m just a softy when it comes to disciplining them. They’re as adorable as they are troublesome. Now if only I could teach them to change their own litterbox.