Coroner’s Corner
by John Bikowski
illustration by Eric Johnson
Saving Two Hours Of Your Life
If you’re like me, you’ll probably catch a few of the major summer blockbusters like Batman and Robin (a $100 million script-o-bad puns) and The Lost World (a sequel that would have worked better as a porno). But how much fun can you really have in a theater?? You could instigate a food fight with yourself and then watch how quickly no one else joins in. Or you could try group hide and seek. To play, you wait for one of your companions to hit the lav. When he/she fumbles back in the dark, surprise! Everyone is gone, relocated to new seats far away. Then you scream out noises to give hints on how to find you again. Caution: This could lead to ejection or fist fights. Thankfully, with home video, there is no end to the things you can do while viewing films.
One favorable pastime is to gather buddies, videos, and a case of Snapple (or your favorite frothy beverage). Then you can laugh like maniacs, jump around, and even stop the film for discussion or a short quiz. The plus is that no strangers will hate you – just your friends. But nothing can ruin the fun quicker than a film that sucks sooo bad that you don’t even feel right making fun of it. There are some absolutely garbage films that are classics and sure-fire party tapes. I’m talking about videos like Basket Case in which a child is born with a twisted Siamese twin. The problem is that the little guy is just a giant head with hands and is subsequently sliced off and deposited in the trash. The normal brother collects his psycho-sibling, hides him in the titular basket, and then roams around revenge-killing anyone involved in the surgery. Look for a silly-putty man trashing a hotel room and an evisceration by a six-foot buzzsaw, Wile E. Coyote style. The bad news is that for every one Basket Case out there, you’ll first run into 10 butt-poots like Witchcraft, a pretentious music video thinly disguised as a badly acted horror film. Therefore, I will ward you off from several films you should never waste a moment of your life on.
This is just the tip of the iceberg, but keep the following list with you always and promise yourself you will never ever watch these films. 1) Blood Cult: “Shot on Video” means stay away unless you are related to one of the lousy pseudo-actors in this home movie. Piss-poor. 2) Cemetery High: Girls who have been raped gang up and kill any obnoxious guy they come across. If it wasn’t obvious that the cast was reading off cue cards I’d say all the dialogue was ad-libbed. Special warnings interrupt the film with a “hooter honk” and a “gore gong.” 3) Hallowgate: A young boy is institutionalized, escapes years later on Halloween, and hacks up some teens. Sound familiar? Almost worth a look for the scene where a guy is shot through the leg and then forgets all about it three minutes later. 4) Hide and Go Shriek: Stereotypical bimbo and idiot teens are slain by an intruder who turns out to be a pissed off homosexual transvestite/ex-con. Atrocious. 5) Murder Weapon: Girls get naked at the drop of a hat and people are killed by… who the hell cares – this movie reeks. 6) Offerings: A mute kills teens and gives their appendages to his unwilling girlfriend. You could do a better job with ten bucks and one take.
Impressive gore effect of the month goes to a slaying by DeNiro in The Fan. Robert buries a hunting knife to the hilt in some guy’s femoral artery which spurts rhythmically until the guy dies. Well done.
