Garbage Pail

The Art of Exaggeration
When they say… They really mean…

by Scott Hefflon
illustration by Ans

Reviewers:

“…has a lot of potential…”
“Don’t bother to see them now. Wait until they get better.”

“…has what it takes to go the distance…”
“They bought me a lot of drinks and keep taking out ads in the magazine I write for. If they can make us all lie about how good they are, hell, they probably will make it!”

“…a great live band…”
“Their CD sucks.”

“…a very energetic performance…”
“They move.”

“…this is what rock’n’roll is all about…”
“I was so shitfaced I don’t remember anything about the show, but I woke up fully clothed, smelling of puke, had lipstick on my neck and no money in my wallet.”

“…have scored rave reviews…”
“They’ve been reviewed.”

“…really been getting a buzz…”
“We all got the same shitty CD, but some people are so excited to get free CDs they gush about anything, even this crap.”

“…have a hard-working, DIY ethic…”
“No one in their right mind will back them.”

“…deserve recognition…”
“One of these nobodies is a cool, not especially talented guy, but he hooks me up with free [whatever the poor schmuck’s day job is].”

“…a great record…”
“They actually gave me a couple bucks for it at the used CD store.”

“…well-produced…”
“The band sucks, but it sounds good.”

“…driving beats…”
“They have a drummer.”

“…chunky guitars…”
“They have a guitarist.”

“…passionate vocals…”
“They have a singer.”

“…heavy low end…”
“I can actually hear the bassist.”

“…a great mix of [list of attractive-sounding elements]”
“[How long is this review supposed to be?]”