Garbage Pail – The Art of Exaggeration: Bands – Column

Garbage Pail

The Art of Exaggeration
When they say… They really mean…

by Scott Hefflon
illustrations by Dave Coscia


“We just got back from a small, regional tour”
“We played ten shows that were very far apart where ten to twenty people showed up to see one of the other bands.”

“We have a lot of labels interested.”
“Some labels haven’t told us to stop calling.”

“We just played a great show with [big name band].”
“There was a last minute cancellation and we were standing outside with our gear, like we always do.”

“Our CDs have been selling really well at shows.”
“No stores will take them because they’ve already bought them from people we gave them to at shows.”

“This is the record that’s going to break us.”
“Our last record didn’t do shit for us.”

“I don’t think our music sounds like anyone else’s.”
“I don’t listen to other bands because I think they all suck.”

“If I had to say we sounded like someone, I’d say we sound like a cross between the Beatles…”
“There are four of us…”
“…Led Zeppelin…”
“We have a singer, a guitarist, a bassist, and a drummer…”
“…and Nirvana…”
“…I can’t sing…”
“…with hints of Sonic Youth songwriting and Henry Rollins stage presence.”
“I’m grasping at straws here. Please review us or play us on the radio, we’re desperate here.”

“We have some very influential people coming to our shows.”
“The only way we get people to come to our shows is if they’re on the guest list.”

“I think it’s really important to support your local scene.”
“No one cares we exist so we try to be nice to everyone.”

“We’ve been getting a buzz about town recently.”
“We hired a very expensive publicist who’s been bugging everyone in town on our behalf.”

“This record is a real departure for us.”
“No one liked our last record so we’re trying something new. If this doesn’t work, we’ll change again.”

“I don’t listen to a lot of new music. I mostly listen to old blues and jazz.”
“I am such a pretentious jerk. I’ll bet you want to slap me in the head.”

“We’ve been getting a lot of local airplay.”
“I have photos of one of the late-night DJs with an underage, blind girl with no legs that I threaten to post on the web.”

“We’ve been playing out a lot lately.”
“We’ve been doing open mike every week at [name of bar you’ve never heard of].”

“We just got a great review in [name of big paper or magazine].”
“They only mentioned our name when we played with someone good, but at least they didn’t say we sucked. Like you’re really going to check!”