Liquor Lecture
by Lex Marburger
illustration by Eric Johnson
It has come to the attention of Lollipop that many of our readers enjoy imbibing an alcoholic liquid every now and again (and again…). In the public interest, we offer a Lollipop guide to Liquor. Please note: We are trained professionals and the “experiments” that follow were not attempted by “casual” or “social” drinkers. Lollipop assumes no responsibility for the actions of any drunk person, including its own staff. And ask Mom first, okay?
Quantity vs. Quality. Friends, it’s come time to address the issue that has caused arguments ever since the first day two people pooled their money and said, “so whaddaya wanna get?” Of course, the elitist in me can (and does) say things like “never, under any circumstances, under penalty of torture such as the Xenobites have never imagined, drink crappy beer/whiskey/wine/etc.,” but I know I’m fooling myself, for there have been far too many times when I’ve indulged in a sub-par beverage (for example, in last month’s article I essentially reviewed that most terrible of beers, Milwaukee’s Best). Still, I have managed (usually) to purchase high-quality alcohol when I’ve so desired. Sure, sometimes the rent check is late, but hey, we’re talking about my needs here. However, after careful thought, I have come to the conclusion that cheap alcohol is useful and even necessary in certain situations. Are you ready for this?
1. Bingeing. It’s the day after your girlfriend broke up with you. Or it’s a family reunion. Or you just feel like going on a bender. Whatever the reason, you’ve decided to drink massive quantities of alcoholic beverage. We’re not talking about a quiet repose, sipping off your bourbon to chill you out, we’re talking a major fuckin’ bender here. We’re talkin’ about throwing a Bukowski. We’re talkin’ possibly waking up in another state, maybe even another country. If you’re gonna chug whiskey, why waste a bottle of Maker’s Mark? You’re really not doing this for the taste, you know. Go for that $10 gallon jug of Old Crow, Old Grandad, or some brown liquid with the name “Old” on it. They tend to be cheap for some reason. Or better yet, find your nearest liquor warehouse (Kappy’s ’round these parts) and get the generic house brand. It burns like fire, but it serves its purpose. Speaking of taste…
2. The Decadence Factor. Sometimes it all becomes too refined. Absolut Screwdrivers. Bombay Gin and tonics. Dewars. Microbrews. Dammit, don’t you want to have a cheap, shitty, gutter brew? Don’t you want to relish the pain it takes to swallow Popov vodka (plastic bottle)? Don’t you want that down home, fuck you, don’t-you-fuckin’-look-at-me, Easy Rider feeling as you choke down a five dollar bottle of rotgut? We were talking Bukowski earlier. How are you gonna get that feeling with a bottle of Ravenswood merlot? No baby, it’s box wine all the way, maybe even go so far as a three bottle Chilean cabernet, but don’t get fancy on me. And what’s gonna happen when you’re following your dream of Kerouac, going “On The Road,” and you walk into a biker bar, covered in road dirt, greasy and unwashed, sit down at the bar and order some pansy-crafted, microbrew, some-silly-German-festival double bock? Your literary dream bubble will pop just about as quickly as your spine if you don’t order a Miller High Life damn quick.
3. Mixing for Parties. Do you really think that the frat boy guests that are currently swilling your vat of Alabama Slammers really care that it’s got Top Shelf stuff in it? For that matter, do you think they can taste the difference when all that crap is mixed together? C’mon, when you have to make bathtub-sized quantities of your secret concoction, the “Panty Remover,” or whatever you call your primarily vodka-based, throw in some spiced rum and/or SoCo, add some tequila for the hell of it, toss in a little pineapple juice to kill the taste, then add some blue Curaçao just to make it look interesting drink, that people are really going to say, “I don’t know… It’s not Sauza” (which, by any right, they should get punched out for saying in the first place)? Of course not. Get over it.
4. Avoidance Techniques. Say you’re at a bar. Not hard, right? Now, say you’re at a bar on a Saturday night and it’s the first night that all the little dweebs from college have just come back (no, dear reader,you’re not a dweeb, I mean all the rest of them, of course. Of course) and they’re crowding all the space. Your space. Your personal space. And then there’s that little shit who thinks that he/she can pick up on you, and is trying to be friendly, and you just want to be left the fuck alone and get down to some serious drinking. Now, you realize that if you play this right, you can get at least a couple of free drinks out of this before the little geek realizes he/she ain’t gonna score. So, you might want to play it up. Instead of going for the most expensive stuff, blowing out his/her wallet or maxing the credit card, specifically ask for a couple of shots off the rail. Demand that your woo-er do one with you. Now, as we all know, the neophyte has no idea how to handle the kerosene effects of cheap booze, and will quickly embarrass themself by spitting it up all over the bar. As an added bonus, if they do manage to keep it down, or, better yet, drink it like water, you can rest assured that they may not be as bad as you initially thought. Let them buy you another. Then ask if you can see their liquor cabinet at home. The rest is up to you…
5. Uhhh… It’s Cheaper, Dimwit.
So there you have it, excuses if you need ’em. Not that you should actually need an excuse for any of your imbibing actions, but it’s good to know they’re there. Until next time, bevvy up!
