Writers Wanted – Column

Writers Wanted

by Scott Hefflon
Illustration by Mark Reusch

In a moment of completely uncalled for honesty, I’d like to ask those with a flair for writing and an addiction to knowing far too much about music to consider writing for Lollipop. Anyone who either takes themselves or any genre too seriously need not apply. Ditto if you think you’re automatically cooler than anyone else just ’cause you hold the pen (if you got beaten up everyday in high school for being a weirdo or loser, chances are you were, and this is not the place to retaliate. The band you’re reviewing are/were losers too, so what’s the point?).

I’ve always been of the mindset that the quality of the writing comes first, and offhandedly mentioning if the CD is any good or not comes later, if there’s time. Especially by this point, when it’s so easy to record and release a CD (mailing it out to addresses you grabbed off the Net or some resource guide, to be judged/reviewed side by side with yet another multi-platinum record by a heavily-hyped household name), it’s far too easy to be jaded. Being jaded is simply an auto-defense mechanism. It means you no longer see value in anything. It means your taste buds are shot and food is simply nourishment (if that, perhaps it’s just empty calories) and music is simply sound (or, worse case scenario, noise).

But to lose the words, the knack for descriptive writing, to me, that is the true loss. To hear some cheaply-produced, tenth generation (and inbred at that) classic rock format sprinkled with just enough D.I.Y. suckiness to qualify (to someone) as alternative, and to simply say “it blows,” is a crying-like-a-schoolgirl shame. How about something like, “Imagine Ozzy singing with a mouthful of toothpaste in an echoing shower stall as Greg Ginn staggers around trying to hit a few notes that have something to do with the melody while Bon Bon, John Bonham’s illegitimate, mongoloid offspring, bangs away on some empty boxes, and some androgynous-looking, um, thing named ‘Dub’ tinkers on a keyboard that sounds like the ones in the showroom at the mall. Or better yet, don’t.” They both say “this is not good,” but the latter is much more entertaining to read, and a helluva lot more fun to write. Often, trying to “peg” the suck element is what reviewing CDs is all about.

This may come as a surprise to you (mostly that I have the audacity to print it), but I’m not here to sell records. I’m not even here to sell magazines. I’m here to print writing. Writing about Life, the Universe and Everything, cleverly tucked between such standard lines as “it rocks!” and “chugging guitars.” And that’s just the music. Reviews of books, movies, and videos can also say more than “this is good/this is not good.” They can be essays exposing the connection between Christopher Walken’s current hairstyle, the sudden popularity of the charming little Taco Bell dog (the kind of yipping rat we’re always tempted to kick in real life, yet when given a romantic accent and frighteningly persuasive ad campaign, we’re tempted to buy stickers and buttons with his image and slogans on them, but not suffer the indigestion of eating the crappy food he represents), and why mac & cheese tastes really bad if you don’t add milk, butter, or both. And non-dairy creamer doesn’t count. That and pretty pictures and illustrations so it looks more interesting on the page. The other stuff, that “selling” stuff: That just happens.

So honestly, if all your friends tell you you’ve got a way with words, those are good friends and you oughtta keep ’em. You also oughtta consider writing for Lollipop. We get all sorts of free stuff (basically, I’ve found anyone will send you anything that’s for sale if you agree to review it), and all you have to do is say what you think in an interesting way. How tough is that? Closing note: There is a huge difference between people who want stuff for free and are grudgingly willing to write about it and those who write about anything and everything and realize they can get cool stuff in the process if they remember to mention the product somewhere in there. The former can fuck off. The latter… What can I get for you?

(In print, this article was called “Riders Wanted” with the word Riders crossed out and Writers scribbled in.  Now the illustration makes a bit more sense, yeah?)