Coroner’s Corner
I’ve Seen This Somewhere Before…
by John Bikowski
illustration by Eric Johnson
As the summer kicked into full gear, out came the zesty shockers and thrillers to theaters near you. The only downside is that many of this year’s offerings are nicely packaged effects-enhanced rip-offs of more effective movies. I’ll bet you didn’t know that even the superb Blair Witch Project copies another lesser known, more controversial film. More on that later.
First off, if you paid to see Deep Blue Sea you probably realized that you were seeing variations on Jaws and Orca: the Killer Whale. The obvious connection is the presence of super-intelligent ocean dwellers that love the taste of human flesh. Though punctuated by a few shocking moments, Deep Blue Sea at times sheds its believability by relying on somewhat obvious computer enhancement of its predators. This is the same pitfall that marred Anaconda a few years back. I think technology can be great (i.e. Titanic), however, sometimes I’d easily settle for a big-ass rubber shark that you can tell is really there. If you enjoy the terrors of the deep, you may also wish to find the 1978 Joe Dante classic, Piranha. Here we have ferocious little flesh-rippers that can saw you to the bone in seconds (and you can’t get away! Ha ha!). They were created by a scientist to be used as a secret weapon in the Vietnam War. Of course, they get loose and ruin life for some happy vacationers. Warning: stay away from Italian shark rip-offs like Up From the Depths, they really bite.
Capitalizing on the Loch Ness Monster theme we also had a summer film called Lake Placid. Again with the computer technology. Again with the stunning photography and cool scenes. But again, a rip-off. The most obvious comparison is with the very effective 1980 film Alligator. The film stars Robert Forster (Jackie Brown) as a cop hunting the giant, titular critter. Here we have a tiny alligator being flushed down the toilet into the sewers where it feeds on genetically-altered lab dogs. This radical diet causes the gator to mutate into a giant monster that goes on a killing spree. It even sucks up a sewer worker named Ed Norton! Warning: the sequel blows. Also, check out Killer Crocodile and Dark Age for more crazy gator hijinks.
Switching gears to the spooky stuff we have the re-working of The Haunting. My question is “Why?” The 1963 black and white Robert Wise original was based on Shirley Jackson’s creepy novel, The Haunting of Hill House. Staying true to the novel, the old film is considered by many to be one of the scariest ever made. Famous for its restraint, it didn’t really show much in the way of ghostly apparitions. You were left to wonder what the hell it was slamming on the bedroom door in the middle of the night. It relied on the boundlessness of our imagination with hopes that you would scare the hell out of yourself. You would be more frightened by the film when you were on your own, long after the credits have run. The remake seems to think that the restraint idea was gibberish as it (yes, again) trots out its bag of computer effects. If I see one more thing morph this summer I’ll piss popcorn kernels.
Now on to the most important film of the summer, and possibly the year, The Blair Witch Project. Don’t get me wrong, I love the film, but I’m compelled to say that there needs to be some acknowledgment of ideas here. The main theme was first used equally effectively in the very banned, very sick cult film Cannibal Holocaust. Pretty much the only way to see this film is to buy a bootleg or know someone like me who lives for this crap. In Cannibal, a group of three journalists embarks on an Amazon trip in search of the legends of the Cannibals. They soon disappear and only their film footage is recovered and showcased for our viewing pleasure. We soon learn the brutal and final fate they suffered. We’re left with the camera hitting the ground and then… death. Sound vaguely familiar? You betcha! Regardless of this point, Blair Witch is a must-see film. The directors have created a whole mythos surrounding this made-up account of the Witch of Blair (now Burkittsville, Maryland). I give them all the credit in the world for making a low budget, scary as hell film with no-name actors. (Sorry, no Jennifer Love Hewitt cleavage shots here.) The entire film is footage recovered from a three-person research team out to create a documentary on the legend of the Witch. The mundane posturing that may annoy casual viewers is actually what lends realism. You often feel like “Hey, this is like my own home movies!” At one point we get a zoom-in on a bag of marshmallows to “feel how soft… Ooohhh…” Pointless stuff, but oh so real! Eyewitness interviews also masterfully throw in tidbits of info that will come back to haunt you toward the end of the film, and long after. Once the trio becomes lost deep in the woods, you can feel the tension start to grip you. The hand-held camera shots and the darkness brilliantly disorientate the audience and you may think you see and hear things that aren’t there. But you really start to feel there really is something out there, and the mounting terror of the film students reflects on you. I don’t want to give away too much, but the final moment will chill you for a long time. Seriously, next time I go camping, I’m screwed. My imagination is way too vivid, and this film has given me much to consider.
