by William Ham, Scott Hefflon, maybe others
Sample Questions from The Punker Aptitude Test (P.A.T.)
15. Which is the correct way Sid Vicious would ask for heroin?
A) “I would like to buy some Horse.”
B) “Where’s my fuckin’ smack!?”
C) “Uuargh… belch.”
23. Punk Rock became Mainstream:
A) July 8th, 1979.
B) Last week.
C) Fuck you, man!
87. If Bad Religion were in a tour bus driving West at 69 mph, and collided with Def Leppard who were traveling East in a train going 92 mph, the resulting sound would be:
B) Weeping and gnashing of teeth.
C) The Offspring.
94. Dead Kennedys are to Green Day as:
A) Platypus is to Goat Cheese.
B) Minneapolis is to Shoehorn.
C) Florida Squeezed is to Sunny D.
D) Fuck you, man!
In reunion news, Bob Dylan has reportedly reconciled with his ability to pronounce consonants and is planning to take it on a world tour as soon as he completes the paperwork to convert to Islam this spring. His latest album, Slow Train Coming To Crush the Heathen Disbelievers Into Wood Pulp,is scheduled for release.
Pearl Jam lead singer Eddie Vedder has taken another stand against unfair ticketing practices. In a letter to the Seattle Pre-Literate, he stated that “not only are the processing fees unfairly exorbitant, but I don’t particularly care for the texture of the paper they’re printed on. On behalf of the rest of Pearl Jam, we refuse to tour until ticket agents across the country agree to print their tickets on something that feels much nicer when you rub them against your cheek. The lettering kind of sucks, too, but let’s take one outrage at a time.”
More Names For Ska Bands
Skani di Franco
More Oasis controversy. In an interview with the Scunthorpe Excavator, lead monobrow Liam Gallagher proclaimed that “We’re the best fucking musicians in the fucking universe. Ever. Better than those dried-up old tossers like Schubert and Brahms. Mozart was a dull fucking cunt.” Immediately, the British Mozart Appreciation Society lodged a formal protest against the band, stating in an official press release that “Mr. Gallagher’s comments are an unwarranted insult to the memory of Mozart. All available evidence points to the fact that he was, in truth, an exciting fucking cunt. He was right about Schubert and Brahms, however.”
MTV advances further into the electronic age with The Chemical Brothers Unplugged. Still being edited at press time, the show consists of the two techno-sibs sitting around, drinking beer, smoking, and occasionally pressing buttons that don’t do anything. Vice-President In Charge of Mismanagement (responsible for MTV’s Peruvian Beach House Spring Break), was quoted as saying “I think this is as important to electronic music as Linda McCartney was to Wings.”
The Last Word
Proper gun training would’ve saved Kurt Cobain’s life. He would’ve realized it’s the other end you point at Courtney Love.