Garbage Pail
Communication Breakdance 2
See Quel, Hear Well, Sing Noel, Drink NyQuil
by Scott Hefflon
This Friday at the Very Complex, The Dead Proletariat Society will be playing with the reunited Prof. Hats, who you may have read parted company over their many differences. When asked about their new 6″ record, vocalist Prof. Read said, “It’s been something we’ve been working up to for years. And don’t let the size fool you. Once the groove kicks in, this’ll rock as hard as any 7″.” The Prof. Hats’ latest single, “No More Nostradamus,” is heavier than their earlier efforts which the rock community generally regarded as Richard Marxist. Leader of the pack, guitarist Yul Essar expounded, “We didn’t want to rush a record with the first ideas we had, we wanted to experiment a bit, turn noble, if you will, and what leaked out was mighty explosive and’ll have quite an impact for years to come.”
Also this Friday, down the street and to the left behind the new parking garage, there’ll be a benefit for blind driveways at the Cubby Hole featuring local hardcore bands Term Oil, Hate Tread, Vegan Youth (featuring the ex-member of Reagan Youth with a protein deficiency), Dugout, and All Age Rage. It seems the scene felt threatened after last week’s “Hardening Core” festival. Kids milled around for hours outside the sold-out show muttering “Oh, man” until their parents came to pick them up. But many took matters into their own uncallused hands. They swarmed a local Kinko’s and cut and pasted for hours until a reported 31 different first issues of My Fanzine were finished. Last week’s show featured Hickory Records parody artists Nerf Crisis playing their one-sided 7″ “Playing Hooky with Hookers” and Strap-on Case playing their three-sided 7″ “Crying Over Spilt Milk Substitute,” “Soy Boys Lack Backbone,” and “Leggo My Falafel, Heathen Dirtbag.” The show erupted into near chaos (two youngsters spilled their bottled water and a third pricked himself on a ‘zine’s staple that wasn’t closed properly. Authorities are investigating the matter) when head Case, Veal Playpen, hoarsely shouted that the crowd was “just a bunch of well-behaved, allowance philanthropists. Modern-day hippies in oversized clothing and ball caps.” Next week, the Cubby club plans to have kid-tested and mother-approved middle school hardcore bands with good, God-fearing messages. After fighting tooth and nail to steal the show from their competitors, The Hell Hole, club manager Chubby stated, “The snakes (at The Hell Hole) made the offer look tempting, but Tree Hugging Management has grown over the years, and as the fruits of their labors pay off, they return to their roots, my club, where it all began. Also, I almost never throw kids out like some other power mongrels I shouldn’t name.” The afternoon show will feature Apple Core and Sin Core, and don’t let the name of the latter day saints fool you. While Apple Core impressed us with the useful (yet formulaic and somewhat repetitive) “3.14,” Sin Core’s “Swim” gave us choices in a modern world.
In sports, Maxwell’s will house the third Tri-Annual “Good ‘Til the Last Dropkick” fighting championship. Starring in this clash of the over-tan titans will be Newt “Squasher” McGuiness, Randy “The Dandy” Floptop, The All American Tag Team (out on bail from their date rape trials), Hulk Hoglan (on break from touring with Testament and Strapping Young Lad), and a bunch of greasy, Michelin-man-looking no-names from the local gyms who’ll ritualistically get their leotard-wearing butts stomped. The event will be commentated by Jesse “The Bodice” Ventura and Conan O’Brien. Tickets can be obtained from any disgruntled meter maid (male or female), at toll booths, or wherever gum is sold. A portion of the proceeds will be given back to audience members in the hope that they can find something more valuable to do with their time.
