Garbage Pail – The Right Stuff – Column

June 1, 2000

NASA is also looking into applications of the new drug in reducing the tedium of space travel for their astronauts. The turds appear to be nonaddictive and have no known side effects but, because of their mild psychoactive properties, will be available only by prescription.

Sarre-Chasm – Fun(house) with Technology – Column

June 1, 2000

Thirty years after Elektra unleashed the Stooges’ classic on a disinterested world (“universally panned” crows the new press release), Rhino Handmade has put out a seven CD box set containing every last second of screwin’ ’round with the seven songs on the original record that made it to tape.

Garbage Pail – Names Changed to Protect the Cheesy – Column

June 1, 2000

What’s in a name change? For celebrities that’ve spent years trying to build up name recognition, there’s usually two reasons: Symbolically separating yourself from an embarrassing but lucrative past, or trying to give yourself a veneer of “I’m an adult thespian now” class.

Prelude to a Lick – The Editor’s Rant – Column

June 1, 2000

When your weekend getaway becomes a community, a village, a string of housing developments with sushi bars, over-priced coffee shops, and laws that prohibit smoking on the sidewalk, much less in the gift shops, you know it’s time to pack the family wagon and move on.

Garbage Pail – Coming Distractions – Column

June 1, 2000

Hollywood’s self-referential, postmodern meta-madness hits its logical nadir in this parody of the Naked Gun movies. Leslie Nielsen plays Leslie Nielsen playing Frank Drebin, and, upon seeing a stuffed beaver, quips “oh, so this is supposed to be the part where I make some sort of sexual innuendo.”

Confessions of a Tupperware Virgin – Fiction

June 1, 2000

One day you’re in college doing keg stands and tequila shots, and then, before you know it, a Tupperware party invitation shows up in the mail and you’re faced with the mortality of your youth.

Dogshit Park – Part Two – Fiction

June 1, 2000

“She slit her wrists over the kitchen sink,” I said. I was shaking uncontrollably; it always happened when I talked about Marcus, which I hadn’t, to anyone, in a very long time. They found her the next morning. She’d deadbolted the door.

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