Lollipop Magazine

Garbage Pail – Misheard Lyrics (Part Two) – Column

January 1, 2000

Misheard Lyrics: What They Said: “We’ll dance in the garden with torches in the rain” What We Thought They Said: “We’ll dance with the goblin of toe cheese in the rain”

Garbage Pail – DNA Action – Column

January 1, 2000

In a landmark deal negotiated in the wake of superstar Michael Jordan’s retirement and last year’s horrendous record, the Chicago Bulls have signed a contract with Jordan landing them exclusive rights to his DNA.

Garbage Pail – Crucifix Out, Electric Chair In – Column

January 1, 2000

The Catholic Church, responding to focus groups’ confusion, has decided to replace the popular image of Jesus Christ nailed on the crucifix. The new symbol will feature Jesus sitting in a more contemporary mode of execution: the electric chair.

Garbage Pail – The All (Porn) Star Team – Column

January 1, 2000

Professional sports figures whose monikers seem better-suited to a career in the adult-film industry: Magic Johnson. Dennis Rodman. Dick Butkus.

Garbage Pail – Scene Splicing – Column

September 1, 1999

Band Collaborations: Manawarrant, Herbie HanCocteau Twins, Jon Spencer Moody Blues Explosion.

Garbage Pail – Scene Splicing – Column

September 1, 1999

Scene Splicing: Backstreet Fat Boys, Kerry King Missile, Green De La Soul, L7 Seconds.

Garbage Pail – Marilyns Don’t Fear the Reaper – Column

September 1, 1999

Marilyn Manson Monroe and Marilyn Manson look forward to a dark and acrid-smelling future. Unfortunately, bits of the bride have been missing since the honeymoon.

Garbage Pail – Genetic Splicings we Hope to Never See- Column

September 1, 1999

Genetic Splicings: Peter Chris Cornell, Oliva-Newton John Stamos, Trey Parker Posie.

Garbage Pail – Feminist Drag Queens Refuse to Shave Armpits – Column

September 1, 1999

“Women, and men dressed like women, have been treated like second-class citizens for too long,” says Feminist Drag Queen Council president Vulva Venus.

Garbage Pail – Family Reunions We Hope to Never See – Column

September 1, 1999

Family Reunions: Patrick & Jon Stewart. Mel, William & Debby Gibson. Steve & Rickie Martin. Norm, Ronald & Old MacDonald.